承擔過錯和向人家道歉的勇氣 The Courage to Say Sorry!

承擔過錯和向人家道歉的勇氣

記得小時候長輩都喜歡用‘華盛頓砍掉櫻桃樹’的故事來教訓小孩子要誠實﹐做錯了事就要坦白的向人家道歉!’不知道現代的孩子有幾個可曾聽過這個故事呢? 有一個不知名的報導說連這個‘華盛頓砍掉櫻桃樹’故事的真確也有質疑! 或者這是社會進化的所謂 ‘適者生存’ - 要在今天的社會立足﹐坦誠忠實的 一套是站不住腳的了! 如果現代社會真的變成這樣, 思路相信人類物質文明是 往後倒退了一大步!

思路在2007去年底在加拿大首都渥太華跟一個親戚交談,﹐話題扯到澳洲當時的新任總理, 我的親戚說﹐ “你們澳洲的總理是我的同宗!" 我腦筋的運作可能 跟寒暑表的指標一樣接近零點﹐ 一時摸不著頭腦。 後來才醒覺澳洲新總理曾 經在中國當外交官, 所以起了一個官方的中文譯名 - 陸克文 (Kelvin Rudd), 這樣, 我就恍然大悟, 跟我聊天的親戚是姓陸的。 當時我覺得很有意思, 澳洲 的新總理在千里之外﹐竟然也引起加拿大華人的關注。可能是陸克文說得一口流利的普通話, 真的引來世界各地華人的注目。

為甚麼會把華盛頓和陸克文扯上關係呢? 原因很簡單﹐ 因為工黨的陸克文總 理, 在上任後不久就聯同當時新選出來的國會議員召開新政府的首次會議, 最 重要的是在2008年 二月十三日,陸克文總理代表澳洲人向澳洲的土著原居民 ‘被偷走了的一代’ 提出道歉。 當年澳洲實施白澳政策﹐有計劃地把土著 兒童從他們的父母身邊‘偷走’了。這些父母以後都無法知道兒女的下落﹐ 孩 子也永遠不知道自己生 父母是誰﹐因為他們被安排在白人家庭長大。 很多土 著孩子的成長過程都受到不同程度的肉體及心靈的虐待﹐以至人生的路途飽經 風霜, 造成或大或 小的悲劇。其中一個客觀的證據就是澳洲土著的平均壽命 比一般澳洲人短十七年!

或許我們中國人對於這個‘要求道歉’的運動絕不陌生﹐中日戰爭﹑南京大屠殺2007年底剛巧是七十週年。日本政府至今未有從官方渠道正式向中國人道 歉。中國人的民族性是非常寬容的。基督教的教訓, 耶穌基督的榜樣也是‘寬 恕’。因為神寬恕我們的罪﹐我們才有這個能夠寬恕的心去寬恕別人。聖經金句教誨是:“舊事已過﹑一切都變成新的了!” 不過在承受了不平等代遇的一方 而言﹐ 盡管過去 的錯誤已經成為歷史﹐但心裡的難過和委屈也真的需要在感 性的層面去處理。
所以 "如果是你的錯, 就請向我道歉吧!" 你可有這份勇氣嗎?

The Courage to Say Sorry!

I remembered as a kid the elders always quoted the story of 'Washington cutting down a cherry tree' to teach young children to be honest. If you have done something wrong, you should be honestly making apology to the people involved!
Do children nowadays still hear this story? A report from an unknown source said even this whole ‘Washington cut down a cherry tree' story was faked. Is this the so-called survival of the fittest in a post-modern society? If modern society really evolved to such a state, I believe our human civilisation has gone a major step backwards!

While I was visiting the Canadian capital Ottawa at the end of 2007, I chatted with a relative about the then Australia Labour Prime Minister who just came into power. My relatives said, "Your Australian Prime Minister belongs to my clan!" The Canadian sub-zero temperature was stopping my brain to function properly; I had no clue what he was talking about! My relative was making fun of me! The Australian Prime Minister was once a diplomat in China, so he had an official Chinese name: Kè-wén Lù, (陸克文). My relative’s family name was also ‘Lù’ (陸). I found it fascinating at the time, Chinese people in Canada, thousands of miles away, were interested to follow the news of our Australian Prime Minister! Perhaps the amazing Mandarin-speaking ability of Kevin Rudd made him a media-magnet in Chinatowns around the world!

What is this ‘Washington’ story has to do with our Labour Prime Minister Kevin Rudd? Shortly after taking office at the end of 2007, together with the newly elected Congress convened the first meeting of the new government, he made a very important decision. On 13th February 2008, the Prime Minister of Australia, Kevin Rudd, on behalf of all Australians apologized to the indigenous inhabitants belonging to 'the Stolen Generation'. Due to the White Australia Policy, many Indigenous children were ‘stolen’ from their parents. Many years later, these parents still cannot find the whereabouts of their children. Likewise, the children will never know who their biological parents were, because they were placed in white families for foster care. Many Aboriginal children grew up under different degrees of physical and psychological abuse, as well as life-long hardship or tragedies of various scales. One of the empirical evidence of this trauma is that 17 years gap in average life expectancy between Australians and their Indigenous counterparts.

Perhaps the Chinese people know how much an 'apology' means to them. 2007 marked the 70th anniversary of the Sino-Japanese War - Nanjing Massacre! Japanese government to this date has yet to formally apologize to the Chinese people. Chinese culture is very accommodating. Christian teachings are forgiving as illustrated by Jesus Christ is personal testimonies.

One may say ‘Let bygones be bygones!’ However, put yourself in the shoes of those on the receiving side of injustice, even though the past mistakes have become history, the hurts and resentment really need some form of closures, especially at an emotional level. Therefore, "If it is your fault, please say SORRY!"

Do you think you would have the courage to do so?

Priceless Arts 藝術無價

前幾天讀了好友心理諮詢師的博文提及‘藝術品’的價值﹐我認為真是‘各花入各眼’﹐又可能只是有價無市! 在這次金融海嘯之前﹐ 相信有不少人在炒賣風氣這般盛行 之時﹐ 也嘗試買賣藝術品作為投資的一環﹐ 以分散投資的策略來減低風險. 不過, 請恕我無知﹐ 買賣藝術品的風險是怎樣計算的呢? 真的要說是門外漢。

我倒有興趣逛逛各國著名的藝術館﹐ 感受一下文化氣色﹐ 吸取一些新靈感﹐ 回到家裡就可以努力創作﹐ 滿足一下自己使用視覺媒體來表達思想感情的欲望。

去年我因為不用再埋頭寫論文之後, 多出來的時間拿去畫畫. 幾年來也自覺有所得著﹐ 也提高了對藝術品德鑒賞能力. 並且會在‘華澳心理學會’和會友討論一下 ‘藝術’和 ‘心理治療’的關係. 開會之前我還向會友發了電郵﹐ 讓大家看看我最近創 作的一幅現代派‘混合媒體’作品﹐ 是先用炭筆勾畫﹐ 再用粉彩上色. 我暫時稱這幅 畫為‘陰陽’. 我其實是利用‘視覺幻像’ (VISUAL ILLUSION) 的效應﹐ 人接收視覺 訊息後傳達到視覺神經﹐ 再由大腦的‘視覺’中心分析這個訊息﹐ 然後才決定這個是 甚麼? 有趣的地方就是大腦判斷 ‘前景’ 和 ‘背景’ 的不同﹐ 就會產生不同的視覺效果. (如果你隨便拿一本心理學入門來翻閱﹐最典型的例子就是 ‘美女與老婦’ 的一 幅黑白畫. 我最先用炭筆畫的初稿就盡量在畫面複製這個 ‘視覺幻像’效果. 結果
就成為這幅 ‘得意之作’. 請別誤會我自鳴得意﹐ 只是覺得看起來也頗有趣味﹐ 拿來跟愛好視覺藝術的朋友交流一下。
此外在從事創作的整個過程裡﹐給我很大的心靈上的滿足感! 怎樣把這個 ‘創作 經驗’ 係統化﹐ 怎樣把這個經驗帶來的‘心靈安慰’應用在心理治療上呢? 以上兩個問題留待以後再討論。 算是拋磚引玉

Competing at level footing 公平競爭

Competing at level footing

This could be just my wishful thinking - I should be given a longer presentation time (at least 20%) at local conferences because English is my 2nd language (to be fair)! I don't think most conference organisers would be sympathetic about this, they work very hard to keep a tight schedule running on time.

Interestingly, I have some reflections on this topic out of some games played at a recent 'Year of the Tiger Celebration'. I hosted the event at my place and invited friends from diverse backgrounds to attend, some were migrants or transient visitors from different country of origins, some were Australian-born locals.

The first game we played was to ask people with Chinese not their first language to read out the 4-word phrase of Chinese New Year Blessings in Cantonese with minimal coaching from native speakers and also describe what blessing that phrase would bring.

Another game was to introduce my guests to the art of Chinese calligraphy (you might have watched it at the movie The Crouching Tiger" . It was a Chinese New Year custom to write New Year Blessing' on special red paper before New Year Day. These pieces of paper (called Fei Chun 暉春) would be hung on walls or doors to offer protection and good wishes to the family throughout the year. I was joking to my friends that working as an academia, it would be best to stick the 'Boh-boh-goh-sing' (步步高昇Step-by-step rising up to the top!) on your office door!

The game was a competition and there was a prize! Each team sent out 2 team mates, a Chinese and a 'non-Chinese' to each write 2 words of the 4-word phrase using traditional Chinese calligraphy brushes and ink. Everyone seemed to enjoy the game (see the photos)!

The whole cross-cultural encounter gave my guests (especially the non-Chinese) a new experience: they had a taste of what it was like when the 'competition' was not on a equal footing. There was an obvious disadvantage to those who had never practised Chinese calligraphy before.


I enjoyed watching the process too. Don't get me wrong, I don't build my happiness upon other people's suffering! I reflected upon this cultural experience and asked the following question:

What impact it will have on migrants growing up in a different culture and language when everyday one has to compete with the natives for jobs and other life opportunities? Even getting attention when standing in front of a reception area at any busy service counters could be a daunting experience for some people with English as their 2nd language.



公平競爭

這可能只是我的一廂情願﹐當我出席本地的學術會議時﹐大會應該給我一個較長（至少多20％）的演講時間，因為英語不是我的母語（這才算是公平嘛）！我相信大多數會議組織者不會對我表示同情，因為他們要保證會議的緊逼時間表得以運作順利﹐已經負出很大的努力﹐那有閒情去考慮我的額外要求。

有趣的是，我最近就這個問題有一些反思﹐這是原於今年'農曆虎年慶祝會'上的一些助慶遊戲比賽。我在農曆年初七‘人日’在家中開派對，並邀請來自不同背景的朋友參加，有些是移民或旅客﹐真的是來自江湖四海﹐龍蛇混雜，也有好些是澳大利亞出生的本地人。

第一場比賽是要求‘華語’非其母語國的客人讀出4字一組的農曆新年暉春﹐他們的華裔隊友可以給他們最後衝刺的速成練習﹐並解釋這句暉春所帶出的祝福。看看那一隊的 ‘老番(鬼佬)’暉春說得最似模似樣!

另一場比賽是﹐我向各位賓客介紹了中國的書法藝術（他們可能在電影話"臥虎藏龍"中見過)。這是中國新年習俗之一﹐通常在大除夕﹐家中的長輩會用特別的紅紙寫上幾條暉春﹐送給後輩作為祝福和鼓勵(如心想事成﹑龍精虎猛﹑出入平安等)。一般人會把這些件暉春貼在牆上或門上﹐祝福一家人有富裕的一年﹐平安和健康是大家都希望得到的。我跟我的客人開玩笑，以我大學的同事來說，他們作為學術界的表表者﹐‘步步高昇’將是最好的一條暉春!我告訴他們一定要把暉春貼在辦公室的門上！

這場比賽是競爭性的，是有贏有輸的!贏了是有獎品的﹐雖然輸了不用捱打！每隊派出兩個隊友，一個華人和一個‘非華人’﹐每人負責寫兩個字。他們要使用中國的傳統書法工具:毛筆和墨彩。似乎每個人都陶醉於這個頗有新意的遊戲！

這一次的‘跨文化’交流為我的客人（特別是那些非華人）帶來一個新的經驗和體會：他們可能是第一次感受到'不公平‘競爭是甚麼的滋味?那些從未有練習過中國書法的是很明顯地處於下峰了!


請不要誤會﹐我不是把自己的快樂建築在別人的痛苦上。我在反思這種文化交流的經驗後提出以下一個問題：

試想想﹐在不同文化和語言背景長大的移民，每天在澳洲這個異邦都要和本地人作‘不公平’的競爭﹐無論是就業機會和其他生活的機會!舉例來說﹐即使是在繁忙的服務櫃檯﹐對於一些英語為第二語言的移民﹐想獲得接待員的注意﹐可能也是一件很艱鉅的事情。

First social gathering of “Ambassadors for Assertive Communication” 第一次的“平等溝通大使”聯誼會

First social gathering of “Ambassadors for Assertive Communication”

Since graduating last June, the participants of the 1st Assertive Communication Workshop have not had a chance to catch up with each other. Finally, we were able to meet for Chinese Yum-Cha lunch in Chinatown on Easter Saturday. There were 10 of us, just perfect for a round table.

After the initial greetings, I raised two questions:
1. Who would be interested to be part of a steering committee to help produce an ‘Assertive Communication’ DVD?
2. What format and how often would our future meetings be?

A couple of participants expressed their interests in producing the DVD and had given me their availabilities. We also discussed how often should this group meet and we came to the conclusion that it would be better to plan meeting monthly over a Sat lunch gathering. If someone missed a meeting, s/he didn’t have to wait too long for the next meeting. We have set the date of the next 3 meetings to be 22 May, 19th June, 17th July.

Having settled these 2 issues, I asked the participants to go around the table to share a little bit about how successful they had been practising assertiveness in the past 9 months. The male participant who brought along his ‘better half’ found the communication between them improved a lot. His wife also agreed and shared with us how her husband used to be a person of few words were expressing his thoughts and feelings to her much more. This was a very favourable outcome indeed!

A female participant, who works in the finance department of a very busy company, told us some extremely challenging situations she encountered at work. I started by refreshing everyone’s memory on the basic principle of assertive communication: express one’s feelings and thoughts, understand one’s own entitlements and responsibilities. Last but not least, respect the other person in the communication equation as an independent individual and show appreciation of what s/he has done to get to this point in time. After my briefing, a few participants took turns to share their own experiences: some successful stories!

To me, this was the perfect support group that I could hope for! Before everyone arrived, I chatted to one of the participants. She asked me whether I would consider running an advance Assertiveness course. I told her the core content and the skills taught at the last workshop were the ‘cherry picked’ skills that required lots of practice. I thought what the participants need was to share their experience in a group and refine their skills by doing a couple of role plays (like what we did in the classroom before). The important point is not to be afraid of failures, but have the gut to grasp the opportunity (i.e. at the right time) to practise assertive communication in everyday life. Sure, it has to be practised with the right person and at the right place. These were the 3 caveats we discussed before.

The discussion we had at this first gathering was the classic example of a dynamic group with inputs from everyone. I should claim some credits for facilitating the discussion. This is so encouraging for me personally. I could see the participants swang so smoothly back into their usual group dynamic that have been built up previously. When I was planning the Assertive Communication Workshop, I always hoped to built-in a maintenance phase, which meant continued work (unpaid) for me. However, after this first gathering, I am very confident that all my effort in persevering with this mental health education program was very worthwhile.

Oh no, I forgot to take a photo to document this triumph!

第一次的“平等溝通大使”聯誼會

第一期‘平等溝通’訓練課程的學員自從去年6月完滿結業之後，大家都各有各忙﹐一直都沒有機會相約聚舊。終於在復活節的週末相約到唐人街的‘大中國’酒樓飲茶兼午膳。大家都很踴躍參加﹐足足有10個人，坐滿一張大圓臺。

寒喧一番之後，我向大家提出兩個問題：
1。誰有興趣參與制作‘平等溝通’影碟的籌劃工作？
2。這個‘平等溝通大使’聚集將以什麼形句行?

有一兩位學員表示他們的有興趣參與制作影碟，他們並給了我他的空閑的時間。我們還討論了相隔多久聚會一次﹐最後我們的結論是，最好是每月舉辦一次"週六午餐聚會"。如果有人錯過了一次聚會，他並不需要等太久才有下一次的聚會。我們已定下未來 3次的聚會日期為5月22日，6月19日和7月17日。

解決這兩個問題之後，我請與會者輪流分享一下在過去 9個月來﹐如何在生活上應用‘平等溝通’? 有一位帶同他的賢內助來的男學員說他發覺兩夫婦之間的溝通和交流改善了很多。他的妻子也同意﹐並且跟我們分享她的丈夫以往是沒有幾句話說的﹐現在就很樂於多講幾句話﹐向她表達他的想法和感受。這真的是一個非常理想的結果，！

由一位在一個非常繁忙的公司的財務部工作的女學員﹐告訴我們一些她在工作中遇到的﹐極具挑戰的情況 。我簡單的重新講述了一些平等溝通的基本原則：表達自己的感情和想法，了解自己的權利和責任﹐最重要的是尊重對方作為一個有獨立思想判斷能力的個體，還要表達明瞭對方也有難處和已經盡了很大努力。在我的介紹後，我就邀請些與會者輪流分享自己的經驗：成功或失敗的故事都無拘！

對我來說，這是我心目中很理想的互助支持小組！大家還未到齊之前，我跟其中一個參與者聊天﹐她問我是否會考慮舉辦深造班。我告訴她第一期訓練班的核心內容和講授的技能是經過精挑細選在濃縮而成﹐七個星期的時間跟本是太匆促﹐ 學員最需要的是大量的實踐應用。所以我認為學員如果能夠繼續以小組的形式分享他們的經驗，改善自己的平等溝通技能﹐多練習角色扮演（一如我們自前在課堂上做的一樣）。值得一提的是不要害怕失敗，但把握機會（即在恰當的時間），以在日常生活中實踐平等溝通的精神。當然，也必須跟合適的人會在正確的地方應用這套技巧。這是我在課堂上時常提醒大家的。

剛才大家的分享和討論正是一個經典的例子: 大家都很投入﹐小組也很有動力﹐各人似乎都有所得著。我也要記上我的功勞 (一笑)! 我看到大家如此投入﹐一下子就回到往日上課的融洽氣氛﹐這對我個人來說也實在令人鼓舞。當我規劃這套平等溝通的課程，我一直希望能建立在一個 "維繫"階段 (maintenance phase) ，這意味著我要在七個星期的課程完成後還要持續的工作。然而，在這第一次會議上，我感到很有信心，我所有的努力，鍥而不捨地推廣這套"心理衛生教育課程"真是非常有意思的。