Waking up from a terrifying nightmare

Come out to play

I have wanted to find out what exactly Art Therapy is for a while. I booked to do a workshop 2 months ago hoping this would help my professional development. I attended the workshop at the Sydney College of the Arts today as a very much needed therapy session to deal with the trauma of waking up from a terrifying ‘nightmare’ which haunted me for the past 2 weeks. The nightmare of fallen into yet another relapse.

One of the most useful exercises at today’s workshop was ‘Transforming a Worry’. The art therapist asked everyone to use some pastel colours to draw the image of their worries and how one was impacted (physically or emotionally) by it. The image didn’t have to look ‘nice’ or ‘real’, it could be symbolic using just a few different colours or shapes. Then the therapist asked the question ‘What’s needed here?’

By asking such a question, you directed your energy to think of a possible way forward or change. The next activity to follow was to transform the drawing of the ‘worry’ onto a bigger piece of paper and then draw the ‘answer’ to ‘What’s needed here?’ By creating an image with the original worry (or part of that image) and the things needed for a change side by side, one could than see a boarder perspective. It might not help you stop the worry instantly, but at least it provided a starting point and the self-awareness needed for the change.

In the last 2 weeks, I was so overwhelmed by all the work I needed to do before I could go on my study tour. My worries were magnified a million times and I literally freaked out! I was lost in my worries, didn’t know what to do next and desperately wanting to run away from the situation!
I yelled out loud for HELP this time! I was fortunate to have good friends and brothers & sisters in Christ to offer their precious time, support and prayers. Miraculously, yesterday afternoon while I was working on a research report, my lost ‘self’ returned to where it belonged.

Throughout the entire period of this terrifying nightmare, I asked myself ‘Could I get out of this episode of relapse soon enough?’ It seemed like never ending to me.

“Be still, and know that I am God!’ Psalm 46:10

Reflections on an intensive Assertive Communication Workshop

When the manager of the Aged Care Program of a Chinese community organisation approached me and asked me to run an in-service training for her staff, I didn’t foresee the challenges I was inviting myself into. I was given two 90-minute sessions to run the workshop. I had to condense an already packed program (seven weekly 90-minute sessions) into an intensive course. ‘Oh well, let’s give it a go!’ I thought.

Four weeks prior to the set date, I was playing smart to send some pre-workshop reading and baseline surveys to the manager and asked her to distribute to the workshop participants. I then found out that some of her staff were Koreans so the workshop had to be conducted in English.
“This shouldn’t be a problem; I could translate my own course materials into English quite easily.” This was my naïve thinking at the time.

Even with the help of ‘Google Translate’, it was still time-consuming to translate every single document (including all the role-play scripts for different parts) and refine it to my satisfaction. However, there was no going back; I’ve committed to take this Assertive Communication Program to a ‘multicultural’ level! The morning I was to deliver the course, I was still translating the role-play scripts to have them in time for the afternoon workshop.

Perhaps the translation was carried out so close to the actual delivery of the program, I seemed to remember every single detail very well. I was then able to use a very interactive style to invite participants’ input right from the beginning just by writing a few key words on the whiteboard!

I started with the easiest, “What is aggression? What is it like to be aggressive?”

There was no shortage of ideas coming from the floor! ‘Very angry!” “Rude!’
“Very negative”. “May be violent at times!”

I jotted them all on the whiteboard. The next question is “What is submissiveness then?” I was amazed when someone yelled from her seat, ‘Never say no!’ I made a comment that in Australia we called this person a ‘door mat’ because everyone stomps on her. Everyone laughed. I then asked the participants to think about what would happen to a submissive person?
‘Constantly under stress!’ “Unhappy and upset!”
Yet, in the Asian upbringing (be it Chinese or Korean), women were expected to fulfill the needs of the people (their children, husbands, parents) around them first. What will happen to them when your own needs are given the lowest priority? I then talked about ‘Assertiveness’ was an attempt to find a middle ground.

I tried to emphasis the importance of articulating your feelings and thoughts during the interaction. The other crucial message was to know your ‘rights’ and be confident to ‘assert’ them. The best example to demonstrate these two points was the situation when you brought something from the shop, you later found out that it was faulty (for some reasons) and took this back and asked for an exchange.

I asked the workshop participants to share some of their experiences. It was dead silence! Instead of randomly picking someone to say something, I said
“So no one has had any problems with exchanging faulty products! ‘You’ll have to tell me how you’ve been able to do that!” Again everyone laughed!




I then went on to say however, I would like to ask your manager to share her story. The manager attended one of my workshops before and the new assertive communications skills helped her successfully get a replacement for a faulty pre-paid gift card. Once someone started to ‘disclose’ her story, it gave a booster jab for others to follow suit. I then asked them to talk to the person next to them about a similar ‘exchange’ experience. They then became the noisiest crowd I’d ever encountered.

Now that the participants had broken the ice, it was time to introduce my favourite activity: ‘role-play’! The most important aspect of role-play was for participants to experience both sides of the story by reading out loud the script. The ‘script’ depicted a scenario (a scene taken from a real-live experience) where a brief context was provided with the detail dialogues between the communication partners. One of these communication partners showcased how ‘assertiveness’ was applied appropriately in that interaction. An example was given below:


A friend called me and said,

“Hey, I’ve a ticket to a fund-raising movie and dinner this Wed evening. Would you like to come?”

I replied,

“Well, I’m really busy this week. This Tues, I have to farewell a long-serving colleague who worked in our department for 11 years. Our big boss organised a huge farewell party for her. All the staff are attending. I don’t think I’ll go to your fund-raising movie dinner. Thank you for thinking of me.”

My friend wouldn’t give up just yet and said,

“This is a very rare opportunity where Prof Ho and his wife will be there to share their testimonies. I can guarantee that you would enjoy it. I’ve already bought a ticket for you. You must come!”

“I’ve already told you that I’ve been so busy that I felt like drowning! I can’t possibly go out two evenings in a row. I need my sleep very dearly; otherwise I can’t concentrate to work the next day!”

“But I know for sure that this movie will help you with your research, that is why I pre-order the ticket for you. It should be absolutely fine if you sleep a bit less for a couple of nights. Don’t make a big fuss!’

“Hey, I don’t think you got my point, sleep is indeed very important to me. Your kind thoughts I’ve noted. Thank you very much. How much did you pay for my ticket, I’ll pay you back!”

“This is not a matter of money! I knew you would love this movie. If you don’t come, you’ll regret it later! I’ve been thinking of your well-being!”

“I already thanked you. However, I really have to look after my own health. Next time you know something like this is on, please tell me in advance! Thank you! Bye for now!”

I asked the manager to role-play this ‘self-care’ scenario with me before I told the participants to break into groups of 3 people to practise‘ self-care’. After 10 minutes of very engaged interaction between the participants, I then asked them, ‘In your opinion, who is selfish and who is practising self-care?’

Surprisingly, one of the Korean participants raised her hand and said the person who declined her friend’s kindness was ‘selfish’. That stirred up a bit of commotion from the Chinese participants. I jumped in to say there was no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ here, let’s hear what she had to say.’ This Korean lady continued to describe how this person who only cared about her ‘sleep’ was so obviously ‘selfish’. She should sacrifice a few hours sleep and accept the invitation to the movie. I then invited a Chinese participant to tell us her verdict. ‘The person who declined the invitation is basically practising self-care. She expressed appreciation for her friends but she also made it clear that she wanted to look after her own health.”

This brief episode of debate spelt out the difference in accepting this new Western concept of assertiveness between the Chinese and the Korean participants. The take home message for me was the need to explore further with the Korean participants their interpretations of what I had described in the first session of the intensive Assertive Communication Program. I was reminded by a Korean friend, who came along to help translating the talk and facilitating the activities, that the language barrier also played a part. Many of the Korean participants did not fully understand the concept of assertiveness conveyed to them in English.

Ninety-minutes passed very quickly. It was time to discuss homework activities. The generalisation of what had been learnt in the ‘classroom’ into daily situations did not come automatically. I was very happy with the first session of this intensive program and looking forward to the next session in 4 weeks.

If not handle sensitively, trivial matters could lead to cross-cultural conflicts

If not handle sensitively, trivial matters could lead to cross-cultural conflicts


During the ‘Assertive Communication Workshop’, I talked about maintaining a good work-life balance. When we have worked so hard during the week, we should find some time to relax over the weekend. Leave whatever work or life stress behind and pursue something that would bring some enjoyment or positive emotions. That was exactly what we did for the June meeting.

A group of us met at Artarmon Train Station on a Sat morning and strolled along a bush-walk track to Artarmon Park to enjoy some morning tea. Many of our Ambassadors for Assertiveness live a long way from Artarmon but a few of us (including myself) live within the neighbourhood. The facility in Artarmon was not bad; there were free BBQ plates for public use and enclosed children playground in a shady area.

After our morning tea break, we walked along the track near the Willoughby Leisure Centre (at Small Street) which could take us all the way down to the ‘Flat Rock Gully’ and reach ‘Tunks Park’ at the other end. A couple of ambassadors asked me whether I would go for a walk like this on my own. I turned around to ask them ‘Why not? I had walked through this track on my own a few times. If I ever had to wait for someone to accompany me, I might never do it!’

Perhaps as a migrant, one lives in a foreign land and speaks a foreign language! Perhaps this is an unfamiliar territory, perhaps this is one’s unique personality, and perhaps this is just the ‘fear of the unknown’? Obviously we could think of the worse scenario – what if you got mugged in the middle of no where? It was fortunate that we were walking on this track as a group and enjoyed each other’s company. We did come across a couple of huge dogs which could be taller than us if they stood up! ‘What if these dogs had gone bizarre and started to attack one of us?’

The evening before the bushwalk I met up with a group of psychologists and I told them about this bush-walk the next day. One of them asked me casually what assertiveness had to do with bush-walking. Perhaps when we run into someone racist?

This reminded me of a telephone conversation I had with my mum, who lives in Ottawa. I learnt that she had been approached by a huge dog (perhaps try to give her a friendly kiss) when she walked into the communal courtyard on her block of apartments. She told me how the owner of the dog didn’t apologise for the dog’s over- friendly behaviour! I thought we could apply some assertive communication in this situation. Thus I practised with my mum for her to say ‘Your dog scared me. Please hold on to your dog!’ My mum asked me whether she should say to the owner of the dog, ‘You owe me an apology!’ I told mum if I were her, I would not make such a fuss because I would respect what that person want to do (from his heart) and not to impose on him that he should apologise. This was different to asking him to hold on to his dog because if he didn’t do this, it would post potential danger to people (especially young children) who are not used to the dog’s over-friendliness. The cultural difference in perception of animal’s behaviour is a good example of how ‘trivial’ things could contribute to cross-cultural conflicts.

I guess assertive communication skills give people who perceived themselves as the ‘weaker’ competitor the confidence to still assert one’s full capacity in a competition. This is because in any sporting events or any competitions, no one (or no team) is 100% sure of victory but everyone is entitled to give their 100%! Look at the 2010 Soccer World Cup what the Socceroos have achieved and how the Italian team has been such a disappointment!

Looking forward to continue the discussion on daily applications of assertive communication. Write a comment to share your thoughts or reflections.

在‘平等溝通’訓練課程內，我談到了保持良好的工作和生活平衡是何等重要。當我們辛勤工作了一周，我們應該在週末找一些時間來鬆馳一下﹐暫且放下工作或生活的壓力，來爭取一些生活的樂趣﹐給自己帶來一些積極﹑正面的情緒。這正好就是這次聚會的目的。

我們相約在Artarmon火車站習合﹐然後沿著晨運徑徐徐的走到 Artarmon 公園享用茶點。 我們當中﹐有好幾位是住得很遠的﹐但亦有幾位是住在 Artarmon 附近的(包括我在內)。 Artarmon 公園的設施也還不錯，其中有免費的燒烤爐供市民使用， 還有位於樹蔭下﹐有安全鐵欄的兒童遊樂場。

享受過早茶和寒喧一番之後，我們沿著晨運徑一直走到附近的威樂比康樂中心（Willoughby Leisure Centre），這條晨運徑沿著‘平石小溪’(Flat Rock Gully) 一直走到 Tunks Park。有一兩位朋友問我

‘如果只有你自己一個人﹐你是否還會在這些山徑散步呢?’

我倒過來問他們﹐ "為什麼不呢?"

其實我在這條山徑走過好幾次。 如果我時時要等待其他人來陪我才去做，有很多事情我可能永遠做不成了！"

也許作為一個移民住在‘別人的國土’ 和操著一口外語﹐ 也許要單獨面對一個完全陌生的領域，也許這是個人的獨特性格，也許這僅僅是'害怕這未知之素的 'fear of the unknown'？ 顯然，我們還可以想像到很多很糟糕的情況 - 如果有人在荒山野嶺向你搶劫! 幸好我們這次是一群人一起走在這條 ‘平石小溪’ 上，並且有傾有講﹐享受著群體活動的樂趣。雖然在路上我們曾遇到一對夫婦拖著的兩頭大狗﹐這些狗如果站立起來﹐可能會超過一個普通人的身高。試想想如果這些狗一下子發狂起來，並向我們撲過來？'

就在這次聚會的前一晚﹐ 我和一群澳洲心理學家吃晚飯，我告訴他們我約了'平等溝通’訓練課程的學員進行遠足活動。其中一人問我﹐

”遠足跟平等溝通有甚麼相干呢?”。
我說﹐ "說不定我們會遇上一些存有種族歧視的人？"

這使我聯想起最近跟住在渥太華的媽媽的電話談話。她告訴我﹐當她進入她居住的一座大廈的平臺花園﹐她曾經好幾次遇上一頭巨大的狗向她撲過來（也許是試圖給她一個友好的親吻)。她告訴我，狗的主人並沒有就他的狗的行為向她道歉！我相信我們可以在這個情況應用一些平等溝通的原則。我協助我媽媽練習一下怎樣向狗的主人說:

'你的狗把我嚇倒了。請抓緊你的狗!"

我媽媽問我是否應該向狗的主人討個公道，'你欠我一個道歉!' 我卻告訴媽媽說,

"如果我是你，我就不會這樣堅持，因為我們要明白尊重別人心裡願意做的事情，而是不能勉強的，他道歉與否絕對是他個人的決定。但話得說回來﹐ 你要求他抓緊他的狗是絕對合理的，因為如果他不這樣做，他的狗可能會引來做潛在的危險（尤其是老弱年幼的)!”

表面上只是一頭狗的過度友好的表現﹐其實是反影了不同文化對待寵物的不同標準。有時一些'瑣碎'的事情也可能帶來意想不到的跨文化衝突﹐ 這就是一個很好的例子!

我認為’平等溝通’技巧就可以讓看來是競爭能力'較弱’的一方打一支強心針﹐雖然看上去是 給人比了下來﹐但仍然堅持自己是可以在這場競賽上全力以付的。 我相信任何體育賽事或任何比賽，沒有人或沒有一支球隊會有必勝的把握的! 但是每個人都有權全力以付！看看2010年世界杯足球賽﹐ 澳洲球員贏取了全國的支持,所謂雖敗尤榮! 但意大利隊就實在叫人失望！

希望在未來可以繼續跟大家討論在日常生活中應用平等溝通。你也不妨寫一下你的感受或分享你的心得。

Managing family conflicts with assertive communication skills

Managing family conflicts with assertive communication skills

The 2nd Triple As meeting (Association of Ambassadors for Assertiveness) was held last Sat in Chinatown. It was the first time we had participants from both the Cantonese and Mandarin workshops. I received quite a few apologies informing me about their other appointments that they couldn’t possibly miss. Since we have decided that it would be best to fix the dates in advance (i.e. every 3rd Sat of the month) and those who could make it just turn up, those who couldn’t hopefully would be able to attend the next meeting.

We first had a good chat about how life had been treating us and we found out that two of our ambassadors worked for companies that had business dealings with each other. It would be nice to know that someone at the other end also practise assertiveness.



We then focused our discussion on how to manage family conflicts using assertive communication skills. I bought along the script for a role play about how to decline an unreasonable request – i.e. ‘how to say NO without feeling guilty’. This was one of the hot favourite topics delivered at the workshop. At our gathering we just revised on some basic principles.
1. If you think the request is unreasonable, make it clear to the other person that this is how you felt.
2. Don’t let the other person make you feel guilty even s/he tries to paint you as the worse person in the whole world because you declined his/her request.
3. In the end just tell the other person that you’ve made a decision and ask for RESPECT.

However, the above scenario may sound ‘aggressive’ if not handle sensitively because you don’t allow any margin for negotiations. One of our ambassadors shared with us an event just happened the evening before our gathering. Her son called her to pick him up from the park where he just finished playing sport with his friends. That morning, she already told him to come home by public transport and he had agreed. She gave him 2 options, either he came home by bus or his Dad would pick him up. The 2nd option came with strings attached. He would have to miss out on the Friday Youth Fellowship and stay home for the rest of the evening. By giving him a CHOICE, this made things slightly easier for both mother and son.

We then dedicated our discussion to the challenges of bringing up children who were caught between the Chinese and Australian cultures. One ambassador pointed out the fact that these children witnessed how their Australian counterparts enjoyed all the freedom that their 'Chinese' parents would never allow them. That was exactly why NEGOTIATIONS would be so crucial!

Could we apply the same principle of assertive communication in parenting? Have we ever thought of what would be the worse thing that could happen if we allow our children to ‘fail’ and take the consequences. Western educators seem to encourage children to learn by their own experiences (trial and error) but Asian parents, on the contrary, encourage their children to learn from their ancestors or parents’ experiences (Listen to me cos I’ve been there).

We stayed until the restaurant closed for the afternoon break at 3 pm!

第二次‘三A’會議（Association of Ambassadors for Assertiveness,平等溝通大使協會）於上星期六在唐人街的酒樓舉行。這是我們第一次有粵語和普通話課程的學員一同出席。聚會之前﹐我收到了不少學員的電郵向我道出他們缺席的原因。既然我們在上一次會議已經決定，定了每個月的第3個星期六舉行例會﹐ 這樣較容易安排﹐那些可以出席的就到
時出現﹐那些不能出席的就希望能夠參加下一次的會議。

我們先閒聊一下大家的生活近況﹐原來其中兩位‘平等溝通大使’任職的公司是有業務往來的。這不是很好嗎﹐ 最低限度知道對方也會平等溝通的一套!

隨後我們重點討論如何使用平等溝通技巧來處理家庭衝突。我帶了一些‘角色扮演’的對白來跟大家溫習一下 "如何拒絕不合理的要求" - 即是'怎麼拒絕對方 而不致於內疚'。這是平等溝通課程中的一個最熱門話的題目。在我們的聚會，我們只是重新溫習一些基本原則。
1. 如果您認為該請求是不合理的，明確的向對方表達說出這就是你的感覺。
2. 不要讓其他人叫你感到內疚，甚至他試圖把你描繪成為世界上最不要得
的人 (只是因為你拒絕了他的請求)。
3. 最後﹐簡潔地告訴對方﹐你已經作出了決定，並要求他尊重你。

然而，上述情況如果處理得不洽當﹐可能會給人很霸道的感覺﹐因為你不容許任何商談的餘地。我們的一個平等溝通大使與我們分享了她家中最近發生的一件事。她的兒子就在前一晚打電話叫她去公園接他，他剛剛跟他的朋友打完足球。當天的早上，她已經告訴兒子回家就自己乘坐公共交通工具，他是同意的。現在收到他的電話﹐她真的不想開車接他。不過﹐她還是給他兩個選擇，要么他回家坐公共汽車或他的爸爸會去接他。不過﹐第二個選擇是有附加條件的。他將不得出席週五的青年團契，留在家中。這樣﹐通過給兒子一個選擇，這使事情來得較容易下台﹐無論是母親或兒子。

剩餘的時間﹐我們集中討論在中西文化夾縫中長大的孩子﹐的而且確為家庭帶來很大的挑戰。另一位平等溝通大使指出，事實上，這些孩子目睹他們的澳大利亞同學或朋友享有很大的自由，這是這是一般華裔家長決不允許他們的子女的。這正是為什麼‘商談’是如此重要！

我們能不能用平等溝通的精神來教育下一代呢？我們可有想過﹐如果我們讓孩子'失敗'，並承擔後果﹐最壞的可能性又會是怎樣? 西方教育家似乎鼓勵兒童通過自己的學習經驗（Trial and Error; 嘗試和糾正）來學習。相反地，亞裔父母往往鼓勵他們的孩子學習他們的長輩或父母的經驗經驗和教訓（聽我說吧﹐我食鹽多過你食米）。

談得非常投契也不知時間飛逝﹐轉眼已是下午三時! 在我們彼此分別回家之前，我們決定下次聚會一同去野餐。細則稍後公佈.

Anti-stigma media campaign

I listened to the interview with Gregor Henderson and Jeff Cheverton about requesting more Government funding to campaign against stigma and discrimination against people with mental illness. I think this is really a catch 20 situation. All the hard work put into this anti-stigma campaign can be washed away by one single isolated incidence of violence committed by mentally ill people. Early this year, the New York Times published an article on 'The Americanization of mental illness’ and the author pointed out that the root of the ‘stigma’ is the biomedical/genetic beliefs about mental disorders which drives people to want to have less contact with the mentally ill and thought of them as more dangerous and unpredictable. There are numerous studies around to world to support this claim.

I am a beyondblue Ambassador since 2008 and I have published my own research findings on how Chinese-Australians managed their emotional distress and their views on stigma and discrimination against the mentally ill. People who have had first hand experience with the illness (myself included) and those who have friends and family members touched by the illness tend to have more sympathy towards people with the illness. Last year during the World Mental Health Week, I was the guest of the SBS Chinese Radio Talk-back program to share some ‘Stress-less Tips’ with the Cantonese-speaking audience. One person rang up to talk about her own personal experience with mental-ill health and how lucky she was to have full support from her family. She was able to lead a relatively normal life. I praised her for her courage to so openly share her story with the audience.

Just last week (27th April), the Black Dog Institute hosted a free community forum and invited Dr Richard Simpson, a colorectal surgeon to share his insight into dealing with depression and strategies for building resilience. His personal story is very powerful in conveying the message that ‘Yes, mental illness is more common than you would have thought! Yes, it could strike anyone, rich or poor! Yes, that is light at the end of the tunnel! Survivors/Consumers can still be a positively contributing member of society!’ At the end of the talk, I raised my hand to ask Richard a question, “Richard, would you consider sharing your recovery journey with a wider audience?’
I strongly believe media campaign plus events where ordinary people could INTERACT with survivors/consumers of mental illness CAN make a difference to fight stigma and discrimination!

承擔過錯和向人家道歉的勇氣 The Courage to Say Sorry!

承擔過錯和向人家道歉的勇氣

記得小時候長輩都喜歡用‘華盛頓砍掉櫻桃樹’的故事來教訓小孩子要誠實﹐做錯了事就要坦白的向人家道歉!’不知道現代的孩子有幾個可曾聽過這個故事呢? 有一個不知名的報導說連這個‘華盛頓砍掉櫻桃樹’故事的真確也有質疑! 或者這是社會進化的所謂 ‘適者生存’ - 要在今天的社會立足﹐坦誠忠實的 一套是站不住腳的了! 如果現代社會真的變成這樣, 思路相信人類物質文明是 往後倒退了一大步!

思路在2007去年底在加拿大首都渥太華跟一個親戚交談,﹐話題扯到澳洲當時的新任總理, 我的親戚說﹐ “你們澳洲的總理是我的同宗!" 我腦筋的運作可能 跟寒暑表的指標一樣接近零點﹐ 一時摸不著頭腦。 後來才醒覺澳洲新總理曾 經在中國當外交官, 所以起了一個官方的中文譯名 - 陸克文 (Kelvin Rudd), 這樣, 我就恍然大悟, 跟我聊天的親戚是姓陸的。 當時我覺得很有意思, 澳洲 的新總理在千里之外﹐竟然也引起加拿大華人的關注。可能是陸克文說得一口流利的普通話, 真的引來世界各地華人的注目。

為甚麼會把華盛頓和陸克文扯上關係呢? 原因很簡單﹐ 因為工黨的陸克文總 理, 在上任後不久就聯同當時新選出來的國會議員召開新政府的首次會議, 最 重要的是在2008年 二月十三日,陸克文總理代表澳洲人向澳洲的土著原居民 ‘被偷走了的一代’ 提出道歉。 當年澳洲實施白澳政策﹐有計劃地把土著 兒童從他們的父母身邊‘偷走’了。這些父母以後都無法知道兒女的下落﹐ 孩 子也永遠不知道自己生 父母是誰﹐因為他們被安排在白人家庭長大。 很多土 著孩子的成長過程都受到不同程度的肉體及心靈的虐待﹐以至人生的路途飽經 風霜, 造成或大或 小的悲劇。其中一個客觀的證據就是澳洲土著的平均壽命 比一般澳洲人短十七年!

或許我們中國人對於這個‘要求道歉’的運動絕不陌生﹐中日戰爭﹑南京大屠殺2007年底剛巧是七十週年。日本政府至今未有從官方渠道正式向中國人道 歉。中國人的民族性是非常寬容的。基督教的教訓, 耶穌基督的榜樣也是‘寬 恕’。因為神寬恕我們的罪﹐我們才有這個能夠寬恕的心去寬恕別人。聖經金句教誨是:“舊事已過﹑一切都變成新的了!” 不過在承受了不平等代遇的一方 而言﹐ 盡管過去 的錯誤已經成為歷史﹐但心裡的難過和委屈也真的需要在感 性的層面去處理。
所以 "如果是你的錯, 就請向我道歉吧!" 你可有這份勇氣嗎?

The Courage to Say Sorry!

I remembered as a kid the elders always quoted the story of 'Washington cutting down a cherry tree' to teach young children to be honest. If you have done something wrong, you should be honestly making apology to the people involved!
Do children nowadays still hear this story? A report from an unknown source said even this whole ‘Washington cut down a cherry tree' story was faked. Is this the so-called survival of the fittest in a post-modern society? If modern society really evolved to such a state, I believe our human civilisation has gone a major step backwards!

While I was visiting the Canadian capital Ottawa at the end of 2007, I chatted with a relative about the then Australia Labour Prime Minister who just came into power. My relatives said, "Your Australian Prime Minister belongs to my clan!" The Canadian sub-zero temperature was stopping my brain to function properly; I had no clue what he was talking about! My relative was making fun of me! The Australian Prime Minister was once a diplomat in China, so he had an official Chinese name: Kè-wén Lù, (陸克文). My relative’s family name was also ‘Lù’ (陸). I found it fascinating at the time, Chinese people in Canada, thousands of miles away, were interested to follow the news of our Australian Prime Minister! Perhaps the amazing Mandarin-speaking ability of Kevin Rudd made him a media-magnet in Chinatowns around the world!

What is this ‘Washington’ story has to do with our Labour Prime Minister Kevin Rudd? Shortly after taking office at the end of 2007, together with the newly elected Congress convened the first meeting of the new government, he made a very important decision. On 13th February 2008, the Prime Minister of Australia, Kevin Rudd, on behalf of all Australians apologized to the indigenous inhabitants belonging to 'the Stolen Generation'. Due to the White Australia Policy, many Indigenous children were ‘stolen’ from their parents. Many years later, these parents still cannot find the whereabouts of their children. Likewise, the children will never know who their biological parents were, because they were placed in white families for foster care. Many Aboriginal children grew up under different degrees of physical and psychological abuse, as well as life-long hardship or tragedies of various scales. One of the empirical evidence of this trauma is that 17 years gap in average life expectancy between Australians and their Indigenous counterparts.

Perhaps the Chinese people know how much an 'apology' means to them. 2007 marked the 70th anniversary of the Sino-Japanese War - Nanjing Massacre! Japanese government to this date has yet to formally apologize to the Chinese people. Chinese culture is very accommodating. Christian teachings are forgiving as illustrated by Jesus Christ is personal testimonies.

One may say ‘Let bygones be bygones!’ However, put yourself in the shoes of those on the receiving side of injustice, even though the past mistakes have become history, the hurts and resentment really need some form of closures, especially at an emotional level. Therefore, "If it is your fault, please say SORRY!"

Do you think you would have the courage to do so?

Priceless Arts 藝術無價

前幾天讀了好友心理諮詢師的博文提及‘藝術品’的價值﹐我認為真是‘各花入各眼’﹐又可能只是有價無市! 在這次金融海嘯之前﹐ 相信有不少人在炒賣風氣這般盛行 之時﹐ 也嘗試買賣藝術品作為投資的一環﹐ 以分散投資的策略來減低風險. 不過, 請恕我無知﹐ 買賣藝術品的風險是怎樣計算的呢? 真的要說是門外漢。

我倒有興趣逛逛各國著名的藝術館﹐ 感受一下文化氣色﹐ 吸取一些新靈感﹐ 回到家裡就可以努力創作﹐ 滿足一下自己使用視覺媒體來表達思想感情的欲望。

去年我因為不用再埋頭寫論文之後, 多出來的時間拿去畫畫. 幾年來也自覺有所得著﹐ 也提高了對藝術品德鑒賞能力. 並且會在‘華澳心理學會’和會友討論一下 ‘藝術’和 ‘心理治療’的關係. 開會之前我還向會友發了電郵﹐ 讓大家看看我最近創 作的一幅現代派‘混合媒體’作品﹐ 是先用炭筆勾畫﹐ 再用粉彩上色. 我暫時稱這幅 畫為‘陰陽’. 我其實是利用‘視覺幻像’ (VISUAL ILLUSION) 的效應﹐ 人接收視覺 訊息後傳達到視覺神經﹐ 再由大腦的‘視覺’中心分析這個訊息﹐ 然後才決定這個是 甚麼? 有趣的地方就是大腦判斷 ‘前景’ 和 ‘背景’ 的不同﹐ 就會產生不同的視覺效果. (如果你隨便拿一本心理學入門來翻閱﹐最典型的例子就是 ‘美女與老婦’ 的一 幅黑白畫. 我最先用炭筆畫的初稿就盡量在畫面複製這個 ‘視覺幻像’效果. 結果
就成為這幅 ‘得意之作’. 請別誤會我自鳴得意﹐ 只是覺得看起來也頗有趣味﹐ 拿來跟愛好視覺藝術的朋友交流一下。
此外在從事創作的整個過程裡﹐給我很大的心靈上的滿足感! 怎樣把這個 ‘創作 經驗’ 係統化﹐ 怎樣把這個經驗帶來的‘心靈安慰’應用在心理治療上呢? 以上兩個問題留待以後再討論。 算是拋磚引玉

Competing at level footing 公平競爭

Competing at level footing

This could be just my wishful thinking - I should be given a longer presentation time (at least 20%) at local conferences because English is my 2nd language (to be fair)! I don't think most conference organisers would be sympathetic about this, they work very hard to keep a tight schedule running on time.

Interestingly, I have some reflections on this topic out of some games played at a recent 'Year of the Tiger Celebration'. I hosted the event at my place and invited friends from diverse backgrounds to attend, some were migrants or transient visitors from different country of origins, some were Australian-born locals.

The first game we played was to ask people with Chinese not their first language to read out the 4-word phrase of Chinese New Year Blessings in Cantonese with minimal coaching from native speakers and also describe what blessing that phrase would bring.

Another game was to introduce my guests to the art of Chinese calligraphy (you might have watched it at the movie The Crouching Tiger" . It was a Chinese New Year custom to write New Year Blessing' on special red paper before New Year Day. These pieces of paper (called Fei Chun 暉春) would be hung on walls or doors to offer protection and good wishes to the family throughout the year. I was joking to my friends that working as an academia, it would be best to stick the 'Boh-boh-goh-sing' (步步高昇Step-by-step rising up to the top!) on your office door!

The game was a competition and there was a prize! Each team sent out 2 team mates, a Chinese and a 'non-Chinese' to each write 2 words of the 4-word phrase using traditional Chinese calligraphy brushes and ink. Everyone seemed to enjoy the game (see the photos)!

The whole cross-cultural encounter gave my guests (especially the non-Chinese) a new experience: they had a taste of what it was like when the 'competition' was not on a equal footing. There was an obvious disadvantage to those who had never practised Chinese calligraphy before.


I enjoyed watching the process too. Don't get me wrong, I don't build my happiness upon other people's suffering! I reflected upon this cultural experience and asked the following question:

What impact it will have on migrants growing up in a different culture and language when everyday one has to compete with the natives for jobs and other life opportunities? Even getting attention when standing in front of a reception area at any busy service counters could be a daunting experience for some people with English as their 2nd language.



公平競爭

這可能只是我的一廂情願﹐當我出席本地的學術會議時﹐大會應該給我一個較長（至少多20％）的演講時間，因為英語不是我的母語（這才算是公平嘛）！我相信大多數會議組織者不會對我表示同情，因為他們要保證會議的緊逼時間表得以運作順利﹐已經負出很大的努力﹐那有閒情去考慮我的額外要求。

有趣的是，我最近就這個問題有一些反思﹐這是原於今年'農曆虎年慶祝會'上的一些助慶遊戲比賽。我在農曆年初七‘人日’在家中開派對，並邀請來自不同背景的朋友參加，有些是移民或旅客﹐真的是來自江湖四海﹐龍蛇混雜，也有好些是澳大利亞出生的本地人。

第一場比賽是要求‘華語’非其母語國的客人讀出4字一組的農曆新年暉春﹐他們的華裔隊友可以給他們最後衝刺的速成練習﹐並解釋這句暉春所帶出的祝福。看看那一隊的 ‘老番(鬼佬)’暉春說得最似模似樣!

另一場比賽是﹐我向各位賓客介紹了中國的書法藝術（他們可能在電影話"臥虎藏龍"中見過)。這是中國新年習俗之一﹐通常在大除夕﹐家中的長輩會用特別的紅紙寫上幾條暉春﹐送給後輩作為祝福和鼓勵(如心想事成﹑龍精虎猛﹑出入平安等)。一般人會把這些件暉春貼在牆上或門上﹐祝福一家人有富裕的一年﹐平安和健康是大家都希望得到的。我跟我的客人開玩笑，以我大學的同事來說，他們作為學術界的表表者﹐‘步步高昇’將是最好的一條暉春!我告訴他們一定要把暉春貼在辦公室的門上！

這場比賽是競爭性的，是有贏有輸的!贏了是有獎品的﹐雖然輸了不用捱打！每隊派出兩個隊友，一個華人和一個‘非華人’﹐每人負責寫兩個字。他們要使用中國的傳統書法工具:毛筆和墨彩。似乎每個人都陶醉於這個頗有新意的遊戲！

這一次的‘跨文化’交流為我的客人（特別是那些非華人）帶來一個新的經驗和體會：他們可能是第一次感受到'不公平‘競爭是甚麼的滋味?那些從未有練習過中國書法的是很明顯地處於下峰了!


請不要誤會﹐我不是把自己的快樂建築在別人的痛苦上。我在反思這種文化交流的經驗後提出以下一個問題：

試想想﹐在不同文化和語言背景長大的移民，每天在澳洲這個異邦都要和本地人作‘不公平’的競爭﹐無論是就業機會和其他生活的機會!舉例來說﹐即使是在繁忙的服務櫃檯﹐對於一些英語為第二語言的移民﹐想獲得接待員的注意﹐可能也是一件很艱鉅的事情。

First social gathering of “Ambassadors for Assertive Communication” 第一次的“平等溝通大使”聯誼會

First social gathering of “Ambassadors for Assertive Communication”

Since graduating last June, the participants of the 1st Assertive Communication Workshop have not had a chance to catch up with each other. Finally, we were able to meet for Chinese Yum-Cha lunch in Chinatown on Easter Saturday. There were 10 of us, just perfect for a round table.

After the initial greetings, I raised two questions:
1. Who would be interested to be part of a steering committee to help produce an ‘Assertive Communication’ DVD?
2. What format and how often would our future meetings be?

A couple of participants expressed their interests in producing the DVD and had given me their availabilities. We also discussed how often should this group meet and we came to the conclusion that it would be better to plan meeting monthly over a Sat lunch gathering. If someone missed a meeting, s/he didn’t have to wait too long for the next meeting. We have set the date of the next 3 meetings to be 22 May, 19th June, 17th July.

Having settled these 2 issues, I asked the participants to go around the table to share a little bit about how successful they had been practising assertiveness in the past 9 months. The male participant who brought along his ‘better half’ found the communication between them improved a lot. His wife also agreed and shared with us how her husband used to be a person of few words were expressing his thoughts and feelings to her much more. This was a very favourable outcome indeed!

A female participant, who works in the finance department of a very busy company, told us some extremely challenging situations she encountered at work. I started by refreshing everyone’s memory on the basic principle of assertive communication: express one’s feelings and thoughts, understand one’s own entitlements and responsibilities. Last but not least, respect the other person in the communication equation as an independent individual and show appreciation of what s/he has done to get to this point in time. After my briefing, a few participants took turns to share their own experiences: some successful stories!

To me, this was the perfect support group that I could hope for! Before everyone arrived, I chatted to one of the participants. She asked me whether I would consider running an advance Assertiveness course. I told her the core content and the skills taught at the last workshop were the ‘cherry picked’ skills that required lots of practice. I thought what the participants need was to share their experience in a group and refine their skills by doing a couple of role plays (like what we did in the classroom before). The important point is not to be afraid of failures, but have the gut to grasp the opportunity (i.e. at the right time) to practise assertive communication in everyday life. Sure, it has to be practised with the right person and at the right place. These were the 3 caveats we discussed before.

The discussion we had at this first gathering was the classic example of a dynamic group with inputs from everyone. I should claim some credits for facilitating the discussion. This is so encouraging for me personally. I could see the participants swang so smoothly back into their usual group dynamic that have been built up previously. When I was planning the Assertive Communication Workshop, I always hoped to built-in a maintenance phase, which meant continued work (unpaid) for me. However, after this first gathering, I am very confident that all my effort in persevering with this mental health education program was very worthwhile.

Oh no, I forgot to take a photo to document this triumph!

第一次的“平等溝通大使”聯誼會

第一期‘平等溝通’訓練課程的學員自從去年6月完滿結業之後，大家都各有各忙﹐一直都沒有機會相約聚舊。終於在復活節的週末相約到唐人街的‘大中國’酒樓飲茶兼午膳。大家都很踴躍參加﹐足足有10個人，坐滿一張大圓臺。

寒喧一番之後，我向大家提出兩個問題：
1。誰有興趣參與制作‘平等溝通’影碟的籌劃工作？
2。這個‘平等溝通大使’聚集將以什麼形句行?

有一兩位學員表示他們的有興趣參與制作影碟，他們並給了我他的空閑的時間。我們還討論了相隔多久聚會一次﹐最後我們的結論是，最好是每月舉辦一次"週六午餐聚會"。如果有人錯過了一次聚會，他並不需要等太久才有下一次的聚會。我們已定下未來 3次的聚會日期為5月22日，6月19日和7月17日。

解決這兩個問題之後，我請與會者輪流分享一下在過去 9個月來﹐如何在生活上應用‘平等溝通’? 有一位帶同他的賢內助來的男學員說他發覺兩夫婦之間的溝通和交流改善了很多。他的妻子也同意﹐並且跟我們分享她的丈夫以往是沒有幾句話說的﹐現在就很樂於多講幾句話﹐向她表達他的想法和感受。這真的是一個非常理想的結果，！

由一位在一個非常繁忙的公司的財務部工作的女學員﹐告訴我們一些她在工作中遇到的﹐極具挑戰的情況 。我簡單的重新講述了一些平等溝通的基本原則：表達自己的感情和想法，了解自己的權利和責任﹐最重要的是尊重對方作為一個有獨立思想判斷能力的個體，還要表達明瞭對方也有難處和已經盡了很大努力。在我的介紹後，我就邀請些與會者輪流分享自己的經驗：成功或失敗的故事都無拘！

對我來說，這是我心目中很理想的互助支持小組！大家還未到齊之前，我跟其中一個參與者聊天﹐她問我是否會考慮舉辦深造班。我告訴她第一期訓練班的核心內容和講授的技能是經過精挑細選在濃縮而成﹐七個星期的時間跟本是太匆促﹐ 學員最需要的是大量的實踐應用。所以我認為學員如果能夠繼續以小組的形式分享他們的經驗，改善自己的平等溝通技能﹐多練習角色扮演（一如我們自前在課堂上做的一樣）。值得一提的是不要害怕失敗，但把握機會（即在恰當的時間），以在日常生活中實踐平等溝通的精神。當然，也必須跟合適的人會在正確的地方應用這套技巧。這是我在課堂上時常提醒大家的。

剛才大家的分享和討論正是一個經典的例子: 大家都很投入﹐小組也很有動力﹐各人似乎都有所得著。我也要記上我的功勞 (一笑)! 我看到大家如此投入﹐一下子就回到往日上課的融洽氣氛﹐這對我個人來說也實在令人鼓舞。當我規劃這套平等溝通的課程，我一直希望能建立在一個 "維繫"階段 (maintenance phase) ，這意味著我要在七個星期的課程完成後還要持續的工作。然而，在這第一次會議上，我感到很有信心，我所有的努力，鍥而不捨地推廣這套"心理衛生教育課程"真是非常有意思的。