Reflections on an intensive Assertive Communication Workshop

When the manager of the Aged Care Program of a Chinese community organisation approached me and asked me to run an in-service training for her staff, I didn’t foresee the challenges I was inviting myself into. I was given two 90-minute sessions to run the workshop. I had to condense an already packed program (seven weekly 90-minute sessions) into an intensive course. ‘Oh well, let’s give it a go!’ I thought.

Four weeks prior to the set date, I was playing smart to send some pre-workshop reading and baseline surveys to the manager and asked her to distribute to the workshop participants. I then found out that some of her staff were Koreans so the workshop had to be conducted in English.
“This shouldn’t be a problem; I could translate my own course materials into English quite easily.” This was my naïve thinking at the time.

Even with the help of ‘Google Translate’, it was still time-consuming to translate every single document (including all the role-play scripts for different parts) and refine it to my satisfaction. However, there was no going back; I’ve committed to take this Assertive Communication Program to a ‘multicultural’ level! The morning I was to deliver the course, I was still translating the role-play scripts to have them in time for the afternoon workshop.

Perhaps the translation was carried out so close to the actual delivery of the program, I seemed to remember every single detail very well. I was then able to use a very interactive style to invite participants’ input right from the beginning just by writing a few key words on the whiteboard!

I started with the easiest, “What is aggression? What is it like to be aggressive?”

There was no shortage of ideas coming from the floor! ‘Very angry!” “Rude!’
“Very negative”. “May be violent at times!”

I jotted them all on the whiteboard. The next question is “What is submissiveness then?” I was amazed when someone yelled from her seat, ‘Never say no!’ I made a comment that in Australia we called this person a ‘door mat’ because everyone stomps on her. Everyone laughed. I then asked the participants to think about what would happen to a submissive person?
‘Constantly under stress!’ “Unhappy and upset!”
Yet, in the Asian upbringing (be it Chinese or Korean), women were expected to fulfill the needs of the people (their children, husbands, parents) around them first. What will happen to them when your own needs are given the lowest priority? I then talked about ‘Assertiveness’ was an attempt to find a middle ground.

I tried to emphasis the importance of articulating your feelings and thoughts during the interaction. The other crucial message was to know your ‘rights’ and be confident to ‘assert’ them. The best example to demonstrate these two points was the situation when you brought something from the shop, you later found out that it was faulty (for some reasons) and took this back and asked for an exchange.

I asked the workshop participants to share some of their experiences. It was dead silence! Instead of randomly picking someone to say something, I said
“So no one has had any problems with exchanging faulty products! ‘You’ll have to tell me how you’ve been able to do that!” Again everyone laughed!




I then went on to say however, I would like to ask your manager to share her story. The manager attended one of my workshops before and the new assertive communications skills helped her successfully get a replacement for a faulty pre-paid gift card. Once someone started to ‘disclose’ her story, it gave a booster jab for others to follow suit. I then asked them to talk to the person next to them about a similar ‘exchange’ experience. They then became the noisiest crowd I’d ever encountered.

Now that the participants had broken the ice, it was time to introduce my favourite activity: ‘role-play’! The most important aspect of role-play was for participants to experience both sides of the story by reading out loud the script. The ‘script’ depicted a scenario (a scene taken from a real-live experience) where a brief context was provided with the detail dialogues between the communication partners. One of these communication partners showcased how ‘assertiveness’ was applied appropriately in that interaction. An example was given below:


A friend called me and said,

“Hey, I’ve a ticket to a fund-raising movie and dinner this Wed evening. Would you like to come?”

I replied,

“Well, I’m really busy this week. This Tues, I have to farewell a long-serving colleague who worked in our department for 11 years. Our big boss organised a huge farewell party for her. All the staff are attending. I don’t think I’ll go to your fund-raising movie dinner. Thank you for thinking of me.”

My friend wouldn’t give up just yet and said,

“This is a very rare opportunity where Prof Ho and his wife will be there to share their testimonies. I can guarantee that you would enjoy it. I’ve already bought a ticket for you. You must come!”

“I’ve already told you that I’ve been so busy that I felt like drowning! I can’t possibly go out two evenings in a row. I need my sleep very dearly; otherwise I can’t concentrate to work the next day!”

“But I know for sure that this movie will help you with your research, that is why I pre-order the ticket for you. It should be absolutely fine if you sleep a bit less for a couple of nights. Don’t make a big fuss!’

“Hey, I don’t think you got my point, sleep is indeed very important to me. Your kind thoughts I’ve noted. Thank you very much. How much did you pay for my ticket, I’ll pay you back!”

“This is not a matter of money! I knew you would love this movie. If you don’t come, you’ll regret it later! I’ve been thinking of your well-being!”

“I already thanked you. However, I really have to look after my own health. Next time you know something like this is on, please tell me in advance! Thank you! Bye for now!”

I asked the manager to role-play this ‘self-care’ scenario with me before I told the participants to break into groups of 3 people to practise‘ self-care’. After 10 minutes of very engaged interaction between the participants, I then asked them, ‘In your opinion, who is selfish and who is practising self-care?’

Surprisingly, one of the Korean participants raised her hand and said the person who declined her friend’s kindness was ‘selfish’. That stirred up a bit of commotion from the Chinese participants. I jumped in to say there was no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ here, let’s hear what she had to say.’ This Korean lady continued to describe how this person who only cared about her ‘sleep’ was so obviously ‘selfish’. She should sacrifice a few hours sleep and accept the invitation to the movie. I then invited a Chinese participant to tell us her verdict. ‘The person who declined the invitation is basically practising self-care. She expressed appreciation for her friends but she also made it clear that she wanted to look after her own health.”

This brief episode of debate spelt out the difference in accepting this new Western concept of assertiveness between the Chinese and the Korean participants. The take home message for me was the need to explore further with the Korean participants their interpretations of what I had described in the first session of the intensive Assertive Communication Program. I was reminded by a Korean friend, who came along to help translating the talk and facilitating the activities, that the language barrier also played a part. Many of the Korean participants did not fully understand the concept of assertiveness conveyed to them in English.

Ninety-minutes passed very quickly. It was time to discuss homework activities. The generalisation of what had been learnt in the ‘classroom’ into daily situations did not come automatically. I was very happy with the first session of this intensive program and looking forward to the next session in 4 weeks.

If not handle sensitively, trivial matters could lead to cross-cultural conflicts

If not handle sensitively, trivial matters could lead to cross-cultural conflicts


During the ‘Assertive Communication Workshop’, I talked about maintaining a good work-life balance. When we have worked so hard during the week, we should find some time to relax over the weekend. Leave whatever work or life stress behind and pursue something that would bring some enjoyment or positive emotions. That was exactly what we did for the June meeting.

A group of us met at Artarmon Train Station on a Sat morning and strolled along a bush-walk track to Artarmon Park to enjoy some morning tea. Many of our Ambassadors for Assertiveness live a long way from Artarmon but a few of us (including myself) live within the neighbourhood. The facility in Artarmon was not bad; there were free BBQ plates for public use and enclosed children playground in a shady area.

After our morning tea break, we walked along the track near the Willoughby Leisure Centre (at Small Street) which could take us all the way down to the ‘Flat Rock Gully’ and reach ‘Tunks Park’ at the other end. A couple of ambassadors asked me whether I would go for a walk like this on my own. I turned around to ask them ‘Why not? I had walked through this track on my own a few times. If I ever had to wait for someone to accompany me, I might never do it!’

Perhaps as a migrant, one lives in a foreign land and speaks a foreign language! Perhaps this is an unfamiliar territory, perhaps this is one’s unique personality, and perhaps this is just the ‘fear of the unknown’? Obviously we could think of the worse scenario – what if you got mugged in the middle of no where? It was fortunate that we were walking on this track as a group and enjoyed each other’s company. We did come across a couple of huge dogs which could be taller than us if they stood up! ‘What if these dogs had gone bizarre and started to attack one of us?’

The evening before the bushwalk I met up with a group of psychologists and I told them about this bush-walk the next day. One of them asked me casually what assertiveness had to do with bush-walking. Perhaps when we run into someone racist?

This reminded me of a telephone conversation I had with my mum, who lives in Ottawa. I learnt that she had been approached by a huge dog (perhaps try to give her a friendly kiss) when she walked into the communal courtyard on her block of apartments. She told me how the owner of the dog didn’t apologise for the dog’s over- friendly behaviour! I thought we could apply some assertive communication in this situation. Thus I practised with my mum for her to say ‘Your dog scared me. Please hold on to your dog!’ My mum asked me whether she should say to the owner of the dog, ‘You owe me an apology!’ I told mum if I were her, I would not make such a fuss because I would respect what that person want to do (from his heart) and not to impose on him that he should apologise. This was different to asking him to hold on to his dog because if he didn’t do this, it would post potential danger to people (especially young children) who are not used to the dog’s over-friendliness. The cultural difference in perception of animal’s behaviour is a good example of how ‘trivial’ things could contribute to cross-cultural conflicts.

I guess assertive communication skills give people who perceived themselves as the ‘weaker’ competitor the confidence to still assert one’s full capacity in a competition. This is because in any sporting events or any competitions, no one (or no team) is 100% sure of victory but everyone is entitled to give their 100%! Look at the 2010 Soccer World Cup what the Socceroos have achieved and how the Italian team has been such a disappointment!

Looking forward to continue the discussion on daily applications of assertive communication. Write a comment to share your thoughts or reflections.

在‘平等溝通’訓練課程內，我談到了保持良好的工作和生活平衡是何等重要。當我們辛勤工作了一周，我們應該在週末找一些時間來鬆馳一下﹐暫且放下工作或生活的壓力，來爭取一些生活的樂趣﹐給自己帶來一些積極﹑正面的情緒。這正好就是這次聚會的目的。

我們相約在Artarmon火車站習合﹐然後沿著晨運徑徐徐的走到 Artarmon 公園享用茶點。 我們當中﹐有好幾位是住得很遠的﹐但亦有幾位是住在 Artarmon 附近的(包括我在內)。 Artarmon 公園的設施也還不錯，其中有免費的燒烤爐供市民使用， 還有位於樹蔭下﹐有安全鐵欄的兒童遊樂場。

享受過早茶和寒喧一番之後，我們沿著晨運徑一直走到附近的威樂比康樂中心（Willoughby Leisure Centre），這條晨運徑沿著‘平石小溪’(Flat Rock Gully) 一直走到 Tunks Park。有一兩位朋友問我

‘如果只有你自己一個人﹐你是否還會在這些山徑散步呢?’

我倒過來問他們﹐ "為什麼不呢?"

其實我在這條山徑走過好幾次。 如果我時時要等待其他人來陪我才去做，有很多事情我可能永遠做不成了！"

也許作為一個移民住在‘別人的國土’ 和操著一口外語﹐ 也許要單獨面對一個完全陌生的領域，也許這是個人的獨特性格，也許這僅僅是'害怕這未知之素的 'fear of the unknown'？ 顯然，我們還可以想像到很多很糟糕的情況 - 如果有人在荒山野嶺向你搶劫! 幸好我們這次是一群人一起走在這條 ‘平石小溪’ 上，並且有傾有講﹐享受著群體活動的樂趣。雖然在路上我們曾遇到一對夫婦拖著的兩頭大狗﹐這些狗如果站立起來﹐可能會超過一個普通人的身高。試想想如果這些狗一下子發狂起來，並向我們撲過來？'

就在這次聚會的前一晚﹐ 我和一群澳洲心理學家吃晚飯，我告訴他們我約了'平等溝通’訓練課程的學員進行遠足活動。其中一人問我﹐

”遠足跟平等溝通有甚麼相干呢?”。
我說﹐ "說不定我們會遇上一些存有種族歧視的人？"

這使我聯想起最近跟住在渥太華的媽媽的電話談話。她告訴我﹐當她進入她居住的一座大廈的平臺花園﹐她曾經好幾次遇上一頭巨大的狗向她撲過來（也許是試圖給她一個友好的親吻)。她告訴我，狗的主人並沒有就他的狗的行為向她道歉！我相信我們可以在這個情況應用一些平等溝通的原則。我協助我媽媽練習一下怎樣向狗的主人說:

'你的狗把我嚇倒了。請抓緊你的狗!"

我媽媽問我是否應該向狗的主人討個公道，'你欠我一個道歉!' 我卻告訴媽媽說,

"如果我是你，我就不會這樣堅持，因為我們要明白尊重別人心裡願意做的事情，而是不能勉強的，他道歉與否絕對是他個人的決定。但話得說回來﹐ 你要求他抓緊他的狗是絕對合理的，因為如果他不這樣做，他的狗可能會引來做潛在的危險（尤其是老弱年幼的)!”

表面上只是一頭狗的過度友好的表現﹐其實是反影了不同文化對待寵物的不同標準。有時一些'瑣碎'的事情也可能帶來意想不到的跨文化衝突﹐ 這就是一個很好的例子!

我認為’平等溝通’技巧就可以讓看來是競爭能力'較弱’的一方打一支強心針﹐雖然看上去是 給人比了下來﹐但仍然堅持自己是可以在這場競賽上全力以付的。 我相信任何體育賽事或任何比賽，沒有人或沒有一支球隊會有必勝的把握的! 但是每個人都有權全力以付！看看2010年世界杯足球賽﹐ 澳洲球員贏取了全國的支持,所謂雖敗尤榮! 但意大利隊就實在叫人失望！

希望在未來可以繼續跟大家討論在日常生活中應用平等溝通。你也不妨寫一下你的感受或分享你的心得。