Managing family conflicts with assertive communication skills

Managing family conflicts with assertive communication skills

The 2nd Triple As meeting (Association of Ambassadors for Assertiveness) was held last Sat in Chinatown. It was the first time we had participants from both the Cantonese and Mandarin workshops. I received quite a few apologies informing me about their other appointments that they couldn’t possibly miss. Since we have decided that it would be best to fix the dates in advance (i.e. every 3rd Sat of the month) and those who could make it just turn up, those who couldn’t hopefully would be able to attend the next meeting.

We first had a good chat about how life had been treating us and we found out that two of our ambassadors worked for companies that had business dealings with each other. It would be nice to know that someone at the other end also practise assertiveness.



We then focused our discussion on how to manage family conflicts using assertive communication skills. I bought along the script for a role play about how to decline an unreasonable request – i.e. ‘how to say NO without feeling guilty’. This was one of the hot favourite topics delivered at the workshop. At our gathering we just revised on some basic principles.
1. If you think the request is unreasonable, make it clear to the other person that this is how you felt.
2. Don’t let the other person make you feel guilty even s/he tries to paint you as the worse person in the whole world because you declined his/her request.
3. In the end just tell the other person that you’ve made a decision and ask for RESPECT.

However, the above scenario may sound ‘aggressive’ if not handle sensitively because you don’t allow any margin for negotiations. One of our ambassadors shared with us an event just happened the evening before our gathering. Her son called her to pick him up from the park where he just finished playing sport with his friends. That morning, she already told him to come home by public transport and he had agreed. She gave him 2 options, either he came home by bus or his Dad would pick him up. The 2nd option came with strings attached. He would have to miss out on the Friday Youth Fellowship and stay home for the rest of the evening. By giving him a CHOICE, this made things slightly easier for both mother and son.

We then dedicated our discussion to the challenges of bringing up children who were caught between the Chinese and Australian cultures. One ambassador pointed out the fact that these children witnessed how their Australian counterparts enjoyed all the freedom that their 'Chinese' parents would never allow them. That was exactly why NEGOTIATIONS would be so crucial!

Could we apply the same principle of assertive communication in parenting? Have we ever thought of what would be the worse thing that could happen if we allow our children to ‘fail’ and take the consequences. Western educators seem to encourage children to learn by their own experiences (trial and error) but Asian parents, on the contrary, encourage their children to learn from their ancestors or parents’ experiences (Listen to me cos I’ve been there).

We stayed until the restaurant closed for the afternoon break at 3 pm!

第二次‘三A’會議（Association of Ambassadors for Assertiveness,平等溝通大使協會）於上星期六在唐人街的酒樓舉行。這是我們第一次有粵語和普通話課程的學員一同出席。聚會之前﹐我收到了不少學員的電郵向我道出他們缺席的原因。既然我們在上一次會議已經決定，定了每個月的第3個星期六舉行例會﹐ 這樣較容易安排﹐那些可以出席的就到
時出現﹐那些不能出席的就希望能夠參加下一次的會議。

我們先閒聊一下大家的生活近況﹐原來其中兩位‘平等溝通大使’任職的公司是有業務往來的。這不是很好嗎﹐ 最低限度知道對方也會平等溝通的一套!

隨後我們重點討論如何使用平等溝通技巧來處理家庭衝突。我帶了一些‘角色扮演’的對白來跟大家溫習一下 "如何拒絕不合理的要求" - 即是'怎麼拒絕對方 而不致於內疚'。這是平等溝通課程中的一個最熱門話的題目。在我們的聚會，我們只是重新溫習一些基本原則。
1. 如果您認為該請求是不合理的，明確的向對方表達說出這就是你的感覺。
2. 不要讓其他人叫你感到內疚，甚至他試圖把你描繪成為世界上最不要得
的人 (只是因為你拒絕了他的請求)。
3. 最後﹐簡潔地告訴對方﹐你已經作出了決定，並要求他尊重你。

然而，上述情況如果處理得不洽當﹐可能會給人很霸道的感覺﹐因為你不容許任何商談的餘地。我們的一個平等溝通大使與我們分享了她家中最近發生的一件事。她的兒子就在前一晚打電話叫她去公園接他，他剛剛跟他的朋友打完足球。當天的早上，她已經告訴兒子回家就自己乘坐公共交通工具，他是同意的。現在收到他的電話﹐她真的不想開車接他。不過﹐她還是給他兩個選擇，要么他回家坐公共汽車或他的爸爸會去接他。不過﹐第二個選擇是有附加條件的。他將不得出席週五的青年團契，留在家中。這樣﹐通過給兒子一個選擇，這使事情來得較容易下台﹐無論是母親或兒子。

剩餘的時間﹐我們集中討論在中西文化夾縫中長大的孩子﹐的而且確為家庭帶來很大的挑戰。另一位平等溝通大使指出，事實上，這些孩子目睹他們的澳大利亞同學或朋友享有很大的自由，這是這是一般華裔家長決不允許他們的子女的。這正是為什麼‘商談’是如此重要！

我們能不能用平等溝通的精神來教育下一代呢？我們可有想過﹐如果我們讓孩子'失敗'，並承擔後果﹐最壞的可能性又會是怎樣? 西方教育家似乎鼓勵兒童通過自己的學習經驗（Trial and Error; 嘗試和糾正）來學習。相反地，亞裔父母往往鼓勵他們的孩子學習他們的長輩或父母的經驗經驗和教訓（聽我說吧﹐我食鹽多過你食米）。

談得非常投契也不知時間飛逝﹐轉眼已是下午三時! 在我們彼此分別回家之前，我們決定下次聚會一同去野餐。細則稍後公佈.

Anti-stigma media campaign

I listened to the interview with Gregor Henderson and Jeff Cheverton about requesting more Government funding to campaign against stigma and discrimination against people with mental illness. I think this is really a catch 20 situation. All the hard work put into this anti-stigma campaign can be washed away by one single isolated incidence of violence committed by mentally ill people. Early this year, the New York Times published an article on 'The Americanization of mental illness’ and the author pointed out that the root of the ‘stigma’ is the biomedical/genetic beliefs about mental disorders which drives people to want to have less contact with the mentally ill and thought of them as more dangerous and unpredictable. There are numerous studies around to world to support this claim.

I am a beyondblue Ambassador since 2008 and I have published my own research findings on how Chinese-Australians managed their emotional distress and their views on stigma and discrimination against the mentally ill. People who have had first hand experience with the illness (myself included) and those who have friends and family members touched by the illness tend to have more sympathy towards people with the illness. Last year during the World Mental Health Week, I was the guest of the SBS Chinese Radio Talk-back program to share some ‘Stress-less Tips’ with the Cantonese-speaking audience. One person rang up to talk about her own personal experience with mental-ill health and how lucky she was to have full support from her family. She was able to lead a relatively normal life. I praised her for her courage to so openly share her story with the audience.

Just last week (27th April), the Black Dog Institute hosted a free community forum and invited Dr Richard Simpson, a colorectal surgeon to share his insight into dealing with depression and strategies for building resilience. His personal story is very powerful in conveying the message that ‘Yes, mental illness is more common than you would have thought! Yes, it could strike anyone, rich or poor! Yes, that is light at the end of the tunnel! Survivors/Consumers can still be a positively contributing member of society!’ At the end of the talk, I raised my hand to ask Richard a question, “Richard, would you consider sharing your recovery journey with a wider audience?’
I strongly believe media campaign plus events where ordinary people could INTERACT with survivors/consumers of mental illness CAN make a difference to fight stigma and discrimination!