Facebook | Bibiana Chan

Facebook | Bibiana Chan

When does helping others becomes hazardous?

Just try to reflect on some emotions arose from an earlier encounter this morning.

When I tried to offer some emotional support to someone I met at church, I was given a lecture on how poor I was at the job of listening!

I apologized for the fact that my words hurt this person but it was never my intention to do so. When I asked this person not to be so serious about the whole thing, she gave an outburst of how she felt put down. Again I apologized for the unintended outcome. This person was even more upset this time, perhaps I apologized too quickly and she doubt my sincerity.

It seemed to me that she was really asking for trouble here. I very much wanted to stop at that point. I tried to lighten things up a little bit with a smile...
'It's not funny!' said this person with stern tone!

In this encounter, I learnt that I wasn't as good a listener as I thought I was. I also learnt that 'helping' others could be hazardous to one's health.

Double Standards

I often hear people complaining others to hold double standards - one on 'self' and one on 'others'. This could be extended to one set of rules for 'mates' and another for 'non-mates'. I would not be over-generalizing if I say this is practised by everyone and everywhere - consciously or subconsciously!

For example:
I'll always go for Yum Cha at this particular Chinese Restaurant. Why? I knew the manager for years, if there is a long queue, I'll be given a 'back-door' entrance to a table in no time : ) Sorry, this is our Chinese traditional way of doing business by 'Gwang-Xi'

Here is another personal story but this time my privilege position was reversed:
I recently returned to Sydney, .Australia, from Istanbul-Munich-HK with a full suit-case, even I declared everything to custom and showed them the 2 boxes of candies I got, the custom officers wanted me to open my suit-case ( probably didn’t trust me). They checked it from top to bottom to find nothing more that requires declaring. The Anglo- couple in front of me got an easy ride to the exit gate, also got some candies in their hand luggage!

You might be able to relate to these two stories. I congratulate you if you are more often on the favourable side of the double standards. Unfortunately, as a non-white and a migrant to the Land of Oz speaking English as a second language, majority of the times I'm on the other side.

However, you don't have to worry that I would be too upset or too depressed! Don't forget I call myself a health researcher; I put my private detective's hat on to explain social phenomena and how they would affect people's health. In order for these experiences to not to have a negative influence on one's health - just brush it off with a laugh ; )

Look on the funny side of things!

Different perspectives

Different perspectives – reflecting on one’s tolerance over people holding different viewpoints

Growing up in Hong Kong in a Chinese household, I was encouraged to ‘reflect on my daily encounters at least 3 times a day’ (especially the mishaps). Perhaps it is this Chinese upbringing that teaches me to think deeply and try hard to make sense of things happening around me. I often feel so much better if I could figure out ‘WHY’.

I visited a private art gallery in Hawaii in Nov, 2007 and called myself a budding artist when asked by the gallery owner whether I would be interested to hold an exhibition there. My artistic journey began in Feb 2006. While recovering from a relapse of clinical depression, I went to a community college to learn to draw. For the first time in my life, I found a teacher who could say something positive about my drawings. My so called hidden artistic talent was allowed to surface. This new found competence stunned my high school friends, they hardly believed their eyes.

My humble ‘learn to draw’ story hinged on the fact that I mastered the skills to draw ‘what I see’ and not ‘what I think I see’ (for details of this technique, read Betty Edwards ‘Drawing on the Right side of the brain’). I really enjoy playing with the ‘push and pull’ technique to create images capable of tricking the brain to perceive two sets of visual image depending on whether your eyes ‘push the image in’ or ‘pull the image out’. (Have you every see the ‘Ugly old woman Vs the pretty young girl’ figure in an Into to Psychology textbook?) My friends said I was pretty good at this and this could be my personal style in creating artwork!

Last Fri evening I hosted the 3^rd meeting of the Naremburn Cammeray Anglican Church-Connect 09 Art Club at my place. I continued to draw this acrylic on canvas that I started a couple of weeks ago. Fellow art club members Judy and Melanie gave me some suggestions. I finished this piece the next day which I spent quite some time to make sure the trick of ‘push and pull’ was working (at least for my brain).

I looked and looked at the drawing to practise the change of perspectives. It’s a triumphant feeling to be able to do it!

Reflection of the day – people from various ethnic backgrounds growing up under different socialization process often perceive things differently (just logical). We can train ourselves to be more tolerant (I should say more respectful) of other cultural practices or customs by trying to see things from their perspectives (common sense?). Otherwise we won’t understand why people don’t do things our way.

Note: My simplified answer to the above question is - because they don’t see things our way!