A Vicious Cycle

Went for a walk after lunch today (Sunday). While walking pass an African-American woman sitting on a roadside bench, I smiled at her. She then called me to say whether she could talk to me. I turned my head and walked back a few steps and said, 'Sure!' She then told me her 'story', "I am homeless and 6-month pregnant, could you do something to help me?' I looked at her and she wasn't pregnant at all! I said I was only a visitor here and didn't know any of the welfare agents. I asked her whether she'd asked any of the local churches to help. She said she didn't want to get help from a church. She then asked me to buy her some lunch, there was a nice restaurant on the opposite side of the road. I knew there were a few different 'soup kitchens' in Downtown New Haven. The Citizenship program uses the venue of one of the kitchens. But this lady said the soup kitchen wouldn't open until 6 pm (a bit more than 3 hrs away). I didn't know whether I was 'cruel' to be kind or this was just my excuse. I looked at the restaurant opposite the road and I looked at this lady again. I said, "I don't want to give you cash, I think you should get some welfare agents to help you! I'm sorry!" As I left, I saw a African-American man approaching her. I hoped he was not her 'accomplice'. The worst I could think of was as soon as I took my purse out, the man would grab it! I learnt from previous experience: once I met up with a friend at Market City (at Sydney's China Town). An indigenous Australian lady approached us with a receipt book and asked for donation for a foundation which raised funds to support indigenous-Australian athletes to go to the London Olympics. My friend kindly gave her AUD$10 but I asked for her ID and the organization's website. I said I would look at the info and donate on-line. She said she lost her ID and the new one was not ready. She also scribbled the URL of the organization's website on a piece of paper for me. My friend joked to say 'Don't tell me the outcome! I don't want to know!" Well, unfortunately there was no foundation to be found! The sad thing is: such negative encounter will make people think twice before they donate again. Oh well, perhaps I should just give the lady USD$5 and she could buy some food! But I didn't want to reinforce the vicious cycle - who will give her the money for the next meal? Am I thinking too much?

A couple of excerpts from Story of a Rabbit

A couple of excerpts from Story of a Rabbit

Waking up from a terrifying nightmare

Come out to play

I have wanted to find out what exactly Art Therapy is for a while. I booked to do a workshop 2 months ago hoping this would help my professional development. I attended the workshop at the Sydney College of the Arts today as a very much needed therapy session to deal with the trauma of waking up from a terrifying ‘nightmare’ which haunted me for the past 2 weeks. The nightmare of fallen into yet another relapse.

One of the most useful exercises at today’s workshop was ‘Transforming a Worry’. The art therapist asked everyone to use some pastel colours to draw the image of their worries and how one was impacted (physically or emotionally) by it. The image didn’t have to look ‘nice’ or ‘real’, it could be symbolic using just a few different colours or shapes. Then the therapist asked the question ‘What’s needed here?’

By asking such a question, you directed your energy to think of a possible way forward or change. The next activity to follow was to transform the drawing of the ‘worry’ onto a bigger piece of paper and then draw the ‘answer’ to ‘What’s needed here?’ By creating an image with the original worry (or part of that image) and the things needed for a change side by side, one could than see a boarder perspective. It might not help you stop the worry instantly, but at least it provided a starting point and the self-awareness needed for the change.

In the last 2 weeks, I was so overwhelmed by all the work I needed to do before I could go on my study tour. My worries were magnified a million times and I literally freaked out! I was lost in my worries, didn’t know what to do next and desperately wanting to run away from the situation!
I yelled out loud for HELP this time! I was fortunate to have good friends and brothers & sisters in Christ to offer their precious time, support and prayers. Miraculously, yesterday afternoon while I was working on a research report, my lost ‘self’ returned to where it belonged.

Throughout the entire period of this terrifying nightmare, I asked myself ‘Could I get out of this episode of relapse soon enough?’ It seemed like never ending to me.

“Be still, and know that I am God!’ Psalm 46:10

Reflections on an intensive Assertive Communication Workshop

When the manager of the Aged Care Program of a Chinese community organisation approached me and asked me to run an in-service training for her staff, I didn’t foresee the challenges I was inviting myself into. I was given two 90-minute sessions to run the workshop. I had to condense an already packed program (seven weekly 90-minute sessions) into an intensive course. ‘Oh well, let’s give it a go!’ I thought.

Four weeks prior to the set date, I was playing smart to send some pre-workshop reading and baseline surveys to the manager and asked her to distribute to the workshop participants. I then found out that some of her staff were Koreans so the workshop had to be conducted in English.
“This shouldn’t be a problem; I could translate my own course materials into English quite easily.” This was my naïve thinking at the time.

Even with the help of ‘Google Translate’, it was still time-consuming to translate every single document (including all the role-play scripts for different parts) and refine it to my satisfaction. However, there was no going back; I’ve committed to take this Assertive Communication Program to a ‘multicultural’ level! The morning I was to deliver the course, I was still translating the role-play scripts to have them in time for the afternoon workshop.

Perhaps the translation was carried out so close to the actual delivery of the program, I seemed to remember every single detail very well. I was then able to use a very interactive style to invite participants’ input right from the beginning just by writing a few key words on the whiteboard!

I started with the easiest, “What is aggression? What is it like to be aggressive?”

There was no shortage of ideas coming from the floor! ‘Very angry!” “Rude!’
“Very negative”. “May be violent at times!”

I jotted them all on the whiteboard. The next question is “What is submissiveness then?” I was amazed when someone yelled from her seat, ‘Never say no!’ I made a comment that in Australia we called this person a ‘door mat’ because everyone stomps on her. Everyone laughed. I then asked the participants to think about what would happen to a submissive person?
‘Constantly under stress!’ “Unhappy and upset!”
Yet, in the Asian upbringing (be it Chinese or Korean), women were expected to fulfill the needs of the people (their children, husbands, parents) around them first. What will happen to them when your own needs are given the lowest priority? I then talked about ‘Assertiveness’ was an attempt to find a middle ground.

I tried to emphasis the importance of articulating your feelings and thoughts during the interaction. The other crucial message was to know your ‘rights’ and be confident to ‘assert’ them. The best example to demonstrate these two points was the situation when you brought something from the shop, you later found out that it was faulty (for some reasons) and took this back and asked for an exchange.

I asked the workshop participants to share some of their experiences. It was dead silence! Instead of randomly picking someone to say something, I said
“So no one has had any problems with exchanging faulty products! ‘You’ll have to tell me how you’ve been able to do that!” Again everyone laughed!




I then went on to say however, I would like to ask your manager to share her story. The manager attended one of my workshops before and the new assertive communications skills helped her successfully get a replacement for a faulty pre-paid gift card. Once someone started to ‘disclose’ her story, it gave a booster jab for others to follow suit. I then asked them to talk to the person next to them about a similar ‘exchange’ experience. They then became the noisiest crowd I’d ever encountered.

Now that the participants had broken the ice, it was time to introduce my favourite activity: ‘role-play’! The most important aspect of role-play was for participants to experience both sides of the story by reading out loud the script. The ‘script’ depicted a scenario (a scene taken from a real-live experience) where a brief context was provided with the detail dialogues between the communication partners. One of these communication partners showcased how ‘assertiveness’ was applied appropriately in that interaction. An example was given below:


A friend called me and said,

“Hey, I’ve a ticket to a fund-raising movie and dinner this Wed evening. Would you like to come?”

I replied,

“Well, I’m really busy this week. This Tues, I have to farewell a long-serving colleague who worked in our department for 11 years. Our big boss organised a huge farewell party for her. All the staff are attending. I don’t think I’ll go to your fund-raising movie dinner. Thank you for thinking of me.”

My friend wouldn’t give up just yet and said,

“This is a very rare opportunity where Prof Ho and his wife will be there to share their testimonies. I can guarantee that you would enjoy it. I’ve already bought a ticket for you. You must come!”

“I’ve already told you that I’ve been so busy that I felt like drowning! I can’t possibly go out two evenings in a row. I need my sleep very dearly; otherwise I can’t concentrate to work the next day!”

“But I know for sure that this movie will help you with your research, that is why I pre-order the ticket for you. It should be absolutely fine if you sleep a bit less for a couple of nights. Don’t make a big fuss!’

“Hey, I don’t think you got my point, sleep is indeed very important to me. Your kind thoughts I’ve noted. Thank you very much. How much did you pay for my ticket, I’ll pay you back!”

“This is not a matter of money! I knew you would love this movie. If you don’t come, you’ll regret it later! I’ve been thinking of your well-being!”

“I already thanked you. However, I really have to look after my own health. Next time you know something like this is on, please tell me in advance! Thank you! Bye for now!”

I asked the manager to role-play this ‘self-care’ scenario with me before I told the participants to break into groups of 3 people to practise‘ self-care’. After 10 minutes of very engaged interaction between the participants, I then asked them, ‘In your opinion, who is selfish and who is practising self-care?’

Surprisingly, one of the Korean participants raised her hand and said the person who declined her friend’s kindness was ‘selfish’. That stirred up a bit of commotion from the Chinese participants. I jumped in to say there was no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ here, let’s hear what she had to say.’ This Korean lady continued to describe how this person who only cared about her ‘sleep’ was so obviously ‘selfish’. She should sacrifice a few hours sleep and accept the invitation to the movie. I then invited a Chinese participant to tell us her verdict. ‘The person who declined the invitation is basically practising self-care. She expressed appreciation for her friends but she also made it clear that she wanted to look after her own health.”

This brief episode of debate spelt out the difference in accepting this new Western concept of assertiveness between the Chinese and the Korean participants. The take home message for me was the need to explore further with the Korean participants their interpretations of what I had described in the first session of the intensive Assertive Communication Program. I was reminded by a Korean friend, who came along to help translating the talk and facilitating the activities, that the language barrier also played a part. Many of the Korean participants did not fully understand the concept of assertiveness conveyed to them in English.

Ninety-minutes passed very quickly. It was time to discuss homework activities. The generalisation of what had been learnt in the ‘classroom’ into daily situations did not come automatically. I was very happy with the first session of this intensive program and looking forward to the next session in 4 weeks.

If not handle sensitively, trivial matters could lead to cross-cultural conflicts

If not handle sensitively, trivial matters could lead to cross-cultural conflicts


During the ‘Assertive Communication Workshop’, I talked about maintaining a good work-life balance. When we have worked so hard during the week, we should find some time to relax over the weekend. Leave whatever work or life stress behind and pursue something that would bring some enjoyment or positive emotions. That was exactly what we did for the June meeting.

A group of us met at Artarmon Train Station on a Sat morning and strolled along a bush-walk track to Artarmon Park to enjoy some morning tea. Many of our Ambassadors for Assertiveness live a long way from Artarmon but a few of us (including myself) live within the neighbourhood. The facility in Artarmon was not bad; there were free BBQ plates for public use and enclosed children playground in a shady area.

After our morning tea break, we walked along the track near the Willoughby Leisure Centre (at Small Street) which could take us all the way down to the ‘Flat Rock Gully’ and reach ‘Tunks Park’ at the other end. A couple of ambassadors asked me whether I would go for a walk like this on my own. I turned around to ask them ‘Why not? I had walked through this track on my own a few times. If I ever had to wait for someone to accompany me, I might never do it!’

Perhaps as a migrant, one lives in a foreign land and speaks a foreign language! Perhaps this is an unfamiliar territory, perhaps this is one’s unique personality, and perhaps this is just the ‘fear of the unknown’? Obviously we could think of the worse scenario – what if you got mugged in the middle of no where? It was fortunate that we were walking on this track as a group and enjoyed each other’s company. We did come across a couple of huge dogs which could be taller than us if they stood up! ‘What if these dogs had gone bizarre and started to attack one of us?’

The evening before the bushwalk I met up with a group of psychologists and I told them about this bush-walk the next day. One of them asked me casually what assertiveness had to do with bush-walking. Perhaps when we run into someone racist?

This reminded me of a telephone conversation I had with my mum, who lives in Ottawa. I learnt that she had been approached by a huge dog (perhaps try to give her a friendly kiss) when she walked into the communal courtyard on her block of apartments. She told me how the owner of the dog didn’t apologise for the dog’s over- friendly behaviour! I thought we could apply some assertive communication in this situation. Thus I practised with my mum for her to say ‘Your dog scared me. Please hold on to your dog!’ My mum asked me whether she should say to the owner of the dog, ‘You owe me an apology!’ I told mum if I were her, I would not make such a fuss because I would respect what that person want to do (from his heart) and not to impose on him that he should apologise. This was different to asking him to hold on to his dog because if he didn’t do this, it would post potential danger to people (especially young children) who are not used to the dog’s over-friendliness. The cultural difference in perception of animal’s behaviour is a good example of how ‘trivial’ things could contribute to cross-cultural conflicts.

I guess assertive communication skills give people who perceived themselves as the ‘weaker’ competitor the confidence to still assert one’s full capacity in a competition. This is because in any sporting events or any competitions, no one (or no team) is 100% sure of victory but everyone is entitled to give their 100%! Look at the 2010 Soccer World Cup what the Socceroos have achieved and how the Italian team has been such a disappointment!

Looking forward to continue the discussion on daily applications of assertive communication. Write a comment to share your thoughts or reflections.

在‘平等溝通’訓練課程內，我談到了保持良好的工作和生活平衡是何等重要。當我們辛勤工作了一周，我們應該在週末找一些時間來鬆馳一下﹐暫且放下工作或生活的壓力，來爭取一些生活的樂趣﹐給自己帶來一些積極﹑正面的情緒。這正好就是這次聚會的目的。

我們相約在Artarmon火車站習合﹐然後沿著晨運徑徐徐的走到 Artarmon 公園享用茶點。 我們當中﹐有好幾位是住得很遠的﹐但亦有幾位是住在 Artarmon 附近的(包括我在內)。 Artarmon 公園的設施也還不錯，其中有免費的燒烤爐供市民使用， 還有位於樹蔭下﹐有安全鐵欄的兒童遊樂場。

享受過早茶和寒喧一番之後，我們沿著晨運徑一直走到附近的威樂比康樂中心（Willoughby Leisure Centre），這條晨運徑沿著‘平石小溪’(Flat Rock Gully) 一直走到 Tunks Park。有一兩位朋友問我

‘如果只有你自己一個人﹐你是否還會在這些山徑散步呢?’

我倒過來問他們﹐ "為什麼不呢?"

其實我在這條山徑走過好幾次。 如果我時時要等待其他人來陪我才去做，有很多事情我可能永遠做不成了！"

也許作為一個移民住在‘別人的國土’ 和操著一口外語﹐ 也許要單獨面對一個完全陌生的領域，也許這是個人的獨特性格，也許這僅僅是'害怕這未知之素的 'fear of the unknown'？ 顯然，我們還可以想像到很多很糟糕的情況 - 如果有人在荒山野嶺向你搶劫! 幸好我們這次是一群人一起走在這條 ‘平石小溪’ 上，並且有傾有講﹐享受著群體活動的樂趣。雖然在路上我們曾遇到一對夫婦拖著的兩頭大狗﹐這些狗如果站立起來﹐可能會超過一個普通人的身高。試想想如果這些狗一下子發狂起來，並向我們撲過來？'

就在這次聚會的前一晚﹐ 我和一群澳洲心理學家吃晚飯，我告訴他們我約了'平等溝通’訓練課程的學員進行遠足活動。其中一人問我﹐

”遠足跟平等溝通有甚麼相干呢?”。
我說﹐ "說不定我們會遇上一些存有種族歧視的人？"

這使我聯想起最近跟住在渥太華的媽媽的電話談話。她告訴我﹐當她進入她居住的一座大廈的平臺花園﹐她曾經好幾次遇上一頭巨大的狗向她撲過來（也許是試圖給她一個友好的親吻)。她告訴我，狗的主人並沒有就他的狗的行為向她道歉！我相信我們可以在這個情況應用一些平等溝通的原則。我協助我媽媽練習一下怎樣向狗的主人說:

'你的狗把我嚇倒了。請抓緊你的狗!"

我媽媽問我是否應該向狗的主人討個公道，'你欠我一個道歉!' 我卻告訴媽媽說,

"如果我是你，我就不會這樣堅持，因為我們要明白尊重別人心裡願意做的事情，而是不能勉強的，他道歉與否絕對是他個人的決定。但話得說回來﹐ 你要求他抓緊他的狗是絕對合理的，因為如果他不這樣做，他的狗可能會引來做潛在的危險（尤其是老弱年幼的)!”

表面上只是一頭狗的過度友好的表現﹐其實是反影了不同文化對待寵物的不同標準。有時一些'瑣碎'的事情也可能帶來意想不到的跨文化衝突﹐ 這就是一個很好的例子!

我認為’平等溝通’技巧就可以讓看來是競爭能力'較弱’的一方打一支強心針﹐雖然看上去是 給人比了下來﹐但仍然堅持自己是可以在這場競賽上全力以付的。 我相信任何體育賽事或任何比賽，沒有人或沒有一支球隊會有必勝的把握的! 但是每個人都有權全力以付！看看2010年世界杯足球賽﹐ 澳洲球員贏取了全國的支持,所謂雖敗尤榮! 但意大利隊就實在叫人失望！

希望在未來可以繼續跟大家討論在日常生活中應用平等溝通。你也不妨寫一下你的感受或分享你的心得。

Managing family conflicts with assertive communication skills

Managing family conflicts with assertive communication skills

The 2nd Triple As meeting (Association of Ambassadors for Assertiveness) was held last Sat in Chinatown. It was the first time we had participants from both the Cantonese and Mandarin workshops. I received quite a few apologies informing me about their other appointments that they couldn’t possibly miss. Since we have decided that it would be best to fix the dates in advance (i.e. every 3rd Sat of the month) and those who could make it just turn up, those who couldn’t hopefully would be able to attend the next meeting.

We first had a good chat about how life had been treating us and we found out that two of our ambassadors worked for companies that had business dealings with each other. It would be nice to know that someone at the other end also practise assertiveness.



We then focused our discussion on how to manage family conflicts using assertive communication skills. I bought along the script for a role play about how to decline an unreasonable request – i.e. ‘how to say NO without feeling guilty’. This was one of the hot favourite topics delivered at the workshop. At our gathering we just revised on some basic principles.
1. If you think the request is unreasonable, make it clear to the other person that this is how you felt.
2. Don’t let the other person make you feel guilty even s/he tries to paint you as the worse person in the whole world because you declined his/her request.
3. In the end just tell the other person that you’ve made a decision and ask for RESPECT.

However, the above scenario may sound ‘aggressive’ if not handle sensitively because you don’t allow any margin for negotiations. One of our ambassadors shared with us an event just happened the evening before our gathering. Her son called her to pick him up from the park where he just finished playing sport with his friends. That morning, she already told him to come home by public transport and he had agreed. She gave him 2 options, either he came home by bus or his Dad would pick him up. The 2nd option came with strings attached. He would have to miss out on the Friday Youth Fellowship and stay home for the rest of the evening. By giving him a CHOICE, this made things slightly easier for both mother and son.

We then dedicated our discussion to the challenges of bringing up children who were caught between the Chinese and Australian cultures. One ambassador pointed out the fact that these children witnessed how their Australian counterparts enjoyed all the freedom that their 'Chinese' parents would never allow them. That was exactly why NEGOTIATIONS would be so crucial!

Could we apply the same principle of assertive communication in parenting? Have we ever thought of what would be the worse thing that could happen if we allow our children to ‘fail’ and take the consequences. Western educators seem to encourage children to learn by their own experiences (trial and error) but Asian parents, on the contrary, encourage their children to learn from their ancestors or parents’ experiences (Listen to me cos I’ve been there).

We stayed until the restaurant closed for the afternoon break at 3 pm!

第二次‘三A’會議（Association of Ambassadors for Assertiveness,平等溝通大使協會）於上星期六在唐人街的酒樓舉行。這是我們第一次有粵語和普通話課程的學員一同出席。聚會之前﹐我收到了不少學員的電郵向我道出他們缺席的原因。既然我們在上一次會議已經決定，定了每個月的第3個星期六舉行例會﹐ 這樣較容易安排﹐那些可以出席的就到
時出現﹐那些不能出席的就希望能夠參加下一次的會議。

我們先閒聊一下大家的生活近況﹐原來其中兩位‘平等溝通大使’任職的公司是有業務往來的。這不是很好嗎﹐ 最低限度知道對方也會平等溝通的一套!

隨後我們重點討論如何使用平等溝通技巧來處理家庭衝突。我帶了一些‘角色扮演’的對白來跟大家溫習一下 "如何拒絕不合理的要求" - 即是'怎麼拒絕對方 而不致於內疚'。這是平等溝通課程中的一個最熱門話的題目。在我們的聚會，我們只是重新溫習一些基本原則。
1. 如果您認為該請求是不合理的，明確的向對方表達說出這就是你的感覺。
2. 不要讓其他人叫你感到內疚，甚至他試圖把你描繪成為世界上最不要得
的人 (只是因為你拒絕了他的請求)。
3. 最後﹐簡潔地告訴對方﹐你已經作出了決定，並要求他尊重你。

然而，上述情況如果處理得不洽當﹐可能會給人很霸道的感覺﹐因為你不容許任何商談的餘地。我們的一個平等溝通大使與我們分享了她家中最近發生的一件事。她的兒子就在前一晚打電話叫她去公園接他，他剛剛跟他的朋友打完足球。當天的早上，她已經告訴兒子回家就自己乘坐公共交通工具，他是同意的。現在收到他的電話﹐她真的不想開車接他。不過﹐她還是給他兩個選擇，要么他回家坐公共汽車或他的爸爸會去接他。不過﹐第二個選擇是有附加條件的。他將不得出席週五的青年團契，留在家中。這樣﹐通過給兒子一個選擇，這使事情來得較容易下台﹐無論是母親或兒子。

剩餘的時間﹐我們集中討論在中西文化夾縫中長大的孩子﹐的而且確為家庭帶來很大的挑戰。另一位平等溝通大使指出，事實上，這些孩子目睹他們的澳大利亞同學或朋友享有很大的自由，這是這是一般華裔家長決不允許他們的子女的。這正是為什麼‘商談’是如此重要！

我們能不能用平等溝通的精神來教育下一代呢？我們可有想過﹐如果我們讓孩子'失敗'，並承擔後果﹐最壞的可能性又會是怎樣? 西方教育家似乎鼓勵兒童通過自己的學習經驗（Trial and Error; 嘗試和糾正）來學習。相反地，亞裔父母往往鼓勵他們的孩子學習他們的長輩或父母的經驗經驗和教訓（聽我說吧﹐我食鹽多過你食米）。

談得非常投契也不知時間飛逝﹐轉眼已是下午三時! 在我們彼此分別回家之前，我們決定下次聚會一同去野餐。細則稍後公佈.

Anti-stigma media campaign

I listened to the interview with Gregor Henderson and Jeff Cheverton about requesting more Government funding to campaign against stigma and discrimination against people with mental illness. I think this is really a catch 20 situation. All the hard work put into this anti-stigma campaign can be washed away by one single isolated incidence of violence committed by mentally ill people. Early this year, the New York Times published an article on 'The Americanization of mental illness’ and the author pointed out that the root of the ‘stigma’ is the biomedical/genetic beliefs about mental disorders which drives people to want to have less contact with the mentally ill and thought of them as more dangerous and unpredictable. There are numerous studies around to world to support this claim.

I am a beyondblue Ambassador since 2008 and I have published my own research findings on how Chinese-Australians managed their emotional distress and their views on stigma and discrimination against the mentally ill. People who have had first hand experience with the illness (myself included) and those who have friends and family members touched by the illness tend to have more sympathy towards people with the illness. Last year during the World Mental Health Week, I was the guest of the SBS Chinese Radio Talk-back program to share some ‘Stress-less Tips’ with the Cantonese-speaking audience. One person rang up to talk about her own personal experience with mental-ill health and how lucky she was to have full support from her family. She was able to lead a relatively normal life. I praised her for her courage to so openly share her story with the audience.

Just last week (27th April), the Black Dog Institute hosted a free community forum and invited Dr Richard Simpson, a colorectal surgeon to share his insight into dealing with depression and strategies for building resilience. His personal story is very powerful in conveying the message that ‘Yes, mental illness is more common than you would have thought! Yes, it could strike anyone, rich or poor! Yes, that is light at the end of the tunnel! Survivors/Consumers can still be a positively contributing member of society!’ At the end of the talk, I raised my hand to ask Richard a question, “Richard, would you consider sharing your recovery journey with a wider audience?’
I strongly believe media campaign plus events where ordinary people could INTERACT with survivors/consumers of mental illness CAN make a difference to fight stigma and discrimination!